My Mommy sent me this today.  I found it amusing & thought I would share.

Zen-type thoughts for a smile today...

 

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

 

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

 

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

 

No one is listening until you fart.

 

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

 

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

 

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

 

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

 

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.

 

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.