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Tuesday, December 27, 2011
So here we are. Four days left in the year. Thank all that is evil & wrong in the universe for that. Not sure I could take much more of 2011. It has been an awesome & suck ass year at the same time.
I'm lucky I suppose. I still have a job no matter how mundane & irritating. Sure, I want to stab one of my subordinates on a weekly (at a minimum) basis, but the checks don't bounce so I can't bitch all that much. However, if they cut our pay for a third year in a row I just might jump on the cunt wagon & go off.
The relationship from hell is over. For me at least. Fairly sure he still thinks it is some kind of fucked up open relationship. Of course when you've gone fifteen fucking years belittling someone by calling them stupid, unattractive & fat while blaming them for every last thing that has gone wrong in your life I'm sure it is difficult to not have a whipping post anymore. Whatever. Not my problem.
I've lost a shit ton of weight. Still currently sitting at 75 pounds since the last week of January 2011. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not bitching either. I've managed to keep it off & that in itself is quite a feat. Maybe I'll get my lazy ass back to the gym soon.
This year marked the discovery of my best friend Jeb. He's an asshole which I guess makes me a bitch since we are, essentially, the same person with different genitalia. He even sent me a Christmas present (wrapped & FedExed overnight no less) which shocked the shit out of me. Just another reason I adore him.
After many years of being acquainted & a few phone conversations I met another friend in person. Whether he realizes it or not he helped me a lot. He's awesome too & I'd like nothing more than to be able to be there for him more if he'd accept it. Maybe in time. Since I know he peeks in here from time to time I shall use this forum to say: I can't thank you enough. Really. If you need anything I am always available for you. Yes, I know you have a lot of friends that care about you & are closer, but just know that I will do what I can. And the distance thing may change sooner rather than later. *insert cheesy emoticon wink here*
I've started dating. That's some fucked up shit people. I don't like it one bit, but at the same time I don't really relish the thought of being "alone." As much as I hate people I adore the thought of having one person around to harass on a fairly regular basis. Unfortunately I am not a "normal" chick. That is a little difficult for most men to stomach. Being smart, which I most definitely am, seems to be a bit much for them too. Yeah, I am like a dating trainwreck. Maybe I'll have to start keeping track on here of these "dates." That would be amusing.
Oh! Vacations. Yes. For the first time ever I went on vacations alone. Twice in one year, within several months, to the same place. Yes, the EXACT same place both times. I really do love it there. I'm guessing it is the proximity to the water that does it for me. There really is nothing better than sitting on the beach with all the fucked up shit in your head to put things into perspective. Of course, the beach is not conducive to burying bodies. Write that down just in case you get the idea later.
Disneyland was awesome. The company made that trip too. Jeb was probably more excited to take me there for my first time than I was to be there. I have to go back. I'm sure there was a shit ton of stuff I didn't do even if we were there ALL day. Must go back when it is warmer as I want to do Splash Mountain. Maybe even Universal or that California thing they have. I mean, Jeb got me on roller coasters so what do I have to lose now?
How could I forget the music? This year also marked my return to a local music scene. Sometimes you forget how much you miss something. Asshole never made anything easy especially when it came to music. Jealous much? Whatever fucktard. So I ended up becoming friendly with several of the bands around town. I've seen a lot of cool shit this year including Lemmy & Slim Jim Phantom TOGETHER on one stage. Went to an awards show. Met some great people & some others that turned out to be raging cunts. The cunts remind me why I chose to have a close circle of friends & mainly male friends.
Sure, there is shit I forgot. Maybe I'll remember, maybe I won't. Regardless there is the bulk of my year. Here's to 2012 being adventurous, because, fuck, it just has to be.
That is the time I have to plan my eventual escape from Vegas. In 360 days I will be on my own for the first time in my entire life. Living in a city where I will know almost no one. My family will be up north. My friends will be a minimum of four hours away. I will be forced to be a real adult. That's some scary shit people.
Thinking about it simultaneously causes me to internally freak the fuck out and act like an excited two year old after a Mountain Dew. With any lucky my head won't re-create that scene in Scanners and just explode. Many things have to be done between now and then, so with any luck that will keep my in line more or less.
I am completely dreading a conversation that will inevitably have to occur. It will suck monster monkey balls, but having to live under the same roof with the bastard until I leave will suck worse. I am pretty sure he thinks we have some kind of fucked up open relationship going on here. That isn't the case in the least. I have zero feelings left for him. Shit he says to me doesn't even upset me anymore. I have completely closed myself off to him. However, when I tell him I am not only moving, but that I am leaving the state alone, he will lose his shit. I have to be ready for that. And really, can you prepare for that?
The location of the move is basically a done deal. While I love one of the other places I was considering going, this place makes much more sense. You'll just have to trust me on that one. Some people know where I am going, others, well, it isn't any of their fucking business. Since this is a public type place and people do know the person behind it, I will probably never disclose it here. No offense, but part of the reason for leaving in the first place is to make a complete break from this situation. That means the longer it takes him to figure out where I am the better.
Not only do I have to find a place to live, but I have to figure out exactly what I am taking. Luckily I don't have any furniture. Never thought I would find that awesome, but not being allowed to buy any may work out in my favor in this situation. For the most part I will be starting new. New furnishings, new location, new phone numbers, everything. It really is scary as fuck.
I am going to try to have a moving preparations post once a week. Kind of to keep me on track. They will be in general, of course, but I think it is something that I need to do. You can go along with it or not, makes me no mind. All of this is something I have to do. I've threatened it many times, but this time, it is for real.
Sometimes the best laid plans do not go as intended. At all.
Vacation was wonderful as I expected. It also made me realize a few things. One I already knew. I have to get the fuck out of Vegas for good. I have a year to plan. Still have to figure out where I am going (actually I have a fairly solid idea), the logistics of moving by myself, squirreling away the cash and getting my affairs in order.
Luckily I got to hang out with Jeb every day I was there. He can be a jackoff, but I love him. He's the best. He even spent his entire Saturday with me. I am moderately concerned with his enthusiasm about taking me to Disneyland, but I shall overlook that. He got me on roller coasters. No one does that.The amount of trust I place in that man scares me. At the same time I know he isn't going to let anything hurt me. He's terribly protective & I like that. A lot. No one other than my mother has been protective of me.
Leaving was way more difficult than I anticipated. I spent the bulk of my day yesterday in tears. Texts from someone on a completely random & unrelated subject distracted me enough to regain my composure. However, when Jeb dropped me off at the airport I almost lost it again. Yeah, I like Jeb a little too much. I'd do just about anything for him & I can't say that for 99.8% of the population.
In fact, I am still having "allergy" issues today. Yeah, that's the term Jeb used to make me aware my emo was showing the other night at dinner. Well, that's what I'd like to think anyway. He is a guy, maybe he really does think it was allergies.
Yeah, a lot more happened than Disneyland, but it will have to wait. You're crushed I'm sure.
This entry has been started 347 times. My head is a jumble.
Let's go back to last week for a moment. That's kind of when all this started. Well, that might not be true. Maybe it is more accurate to state that at that point most of this shit started to boil over. Again.
Have you ever met someone and when you have had physical contact with them there was something like an electric jolt? Not static electricity. There is a difference and if you have ever experienced this you know exactly what I am talking about. I have had it happen with exactly three individuals in my life. I can name them and tell you the precise moment it occurred.
The latest time was last week, but it wasn't the first time with that individual. None the less I was taken aback when it did happen. You also know when it happens because you get that look from the other individual involved. You are just going to have to trust me that you will know the look. If you are getting it from me it will look like I am going to piss myself and pass out. Really.
Anyway, back to the guy. I don't know much about him. I met him one other time, shook his hand, got the look & then we carried on a conversation like we had known each other forever. Well, quite by accident I saw him again last week. He did all the talking as I was so verklempt I couldn't get anything out. As he was leaving he put his arm around me. According to my friend I looked like I was going to pass out. Nice. I made an ass out of myself. I couldn't talk AND looked like I was going to fall down into a crumple. These are true FML worthy moments.
I relayed the entire thing to Jeb. He was amazed by the fact that I couldn't say anything to the guy. According to him I must be "smitten" if I couldn't talk. Bah! I don't need this. I have been instructed by Jeb to talk to him again at all costs. Apparently I have too much of a wall up. I have to let it down and this is, supposedly, as good a time as any to do it. That whole prospect scares the shit out of me. Let me wall down? Are you fucking insane?!? Every time I do that I am the one that ends up getting fucked over. At the same time I would like to know what could happen.
There are days like today when I wonder if all of this shit is really worth it. I mean, think about it, in the end what do you really have? Nothing. If you are lucky there are a few people hanging around because they think you are a decent human being. The rest think you are a douche no matter what you do for them.
I've spent the last year working on myself. Trying to open up a little. Trying to be more friendly, more sociable. I've lost a shit ton of weight. I've gotten rid of a terribly bad relationship. All it has gotten me is kicked in my non-existent balls. The only good thing to come out of all of this is my friendship with Jeb. Maybe that is all I am suppose to get from it. I don't know.
I'm tired of the backstabbing and the teenage bullshit. We are fucking adults. Why do people have to act like that? I just don't fucking get it.
Oh, yeah, I soooo should have slept with the Canadian from the other night. Just on principle.
I write emails all the time & never send them. I call it talking to my imaginary friends only the people I write them to are, in theory, actual friends. I just don't trust anyone enough to let them in on these things. I tried not long ago. Said something I felt to someone and apparently freaked them out. So, yeah, back to writing and not sending. They'd make a decent book some day.
While hanging out at a rock show the other night I had a terribly, for me, surreal experience. Standing at the back, chatting with a friend some guy starts talking to me. Not completely unusual as I'm one of those "known" individuals so strangers ask me questions all the time. No big.
This guy though.... damn. He was good looking. Not my normal type (he was maybe 5'7", blonde, light blue). Yes, I have a type, we all do, but I will get to that in a bit. Right now, Mr. Hot Canadian. Yeah, Canadian. Anyway, he decides I am his new best friend & groping post. That was way weird for me as guys rarely, and I do mean rarely, ever even talk to me much less have their mitts all over me. We talked a bit & at the end of the night he gave me his number. Yeah, I'll never use it.
So back to types. I have one, but I am a little backward with it. Looks, for me, become secondary. But in the looks department height is the first thing that gets me for the most part. Six foot plus is my usual, generally 6'2" to 6'4". Normally I'm in the market for vampire white, but I am finding that tan works as well. The dark hair, light eyes combo is my norm, but the last few guys I have actually interacted with were all blonde, blue. I'm not sure if my tastes are changing or if I am desperate, for lack of a better word. Maybe those are one in the same. Who knows.
At any rate none of that matters if the guys is dumb as a brick. Intelligence is key for me. Yes, I know that looks play a part. We are visual beings after all. If we weren't I wouldn't have so many fucking self image issues. Anyway. And they can't just be book smart, they have to be creative. I tend to lean towards musically creative on top of that. Damn, I'm a picky bitch. Such is life, but I want what I want. I settled once, not going to do it again. About the only thing I am willing to compromise on would be the height.
So, if you happen to know any 6'2"+, smart, creative men that aren't bad looking and are single, let me know. I'm always in the market for someone to hang with. Oh, they also need to be the aggressor in the whole thing because if they aren't, it will never happen. I am entirely too shy.
Music has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid I had a KISS poster on my wall. I listened to the Rolling Stones, Jethro Tull, Queen, Charlie Daniels, Hank Williams, Gordon Lightfoot, Janis Joplin & David Bowie among others. My Mom always encouraged my love of music & especially my fascination with Bowie.Yeah, my mom rocked & still does.
Since I broke off the relationship/engagement with the Bastard I have found myself reverting to music much more again. I have a tendency to avoid dealing with my problems because, you know, I hate talking to people. Eventually the voices will work it all out. I just sit back & listen to the music. It works for me.
Lately I have been terribly wound up. I really want to punch random people for no apparent reason. Jeb has suggested a physical hobby such as kick boxing. He's right, but I'm cheap & hate people. Then there is that whole I get embarrassed at the drop of a hat thing. No, don't ask. At any rate, I have come to find that two voices keep me rather calm. I have determined that it is, in fact, the vocals & not the music as they are two completely different types of music.
One I knew had this effect on me. I found out quite by accident a few years ago on a flight to New Orleans. I'm not really fond of flying in the first place & get a bit ancy when I do have to fly. Right after take off I hit the music device & put this album on repeat. Within 30 minutes I was right as rain & fell asleep at some point.
Lately I have been using this to my advantage. I can turn either of these artists on & if I concentrate on just the vocal portions I calm down within 10 minutes. So, at work, I pop it on the 'ol portable music device & walk around the building a couple of times. I have to be careful & not have either on when I go to sleep however as both induce some fucked up dreams of monumental proportions. Apparently they stimulate the "creative" portion of the grey matter as well.
What I don't get is why these two vocalists in particular? Why it doesn't work with all vocals? I would think that the concentrating on the one thing is what calms me down. I am thinking about that & nothing else, but that isn't the case. I've tried it with other music. It seems to be just these two so far. It is quite perplexing. Even better, when I talk to these two individuals in person, their speaking voices aren't particularly soothing to me. Yes, I know them both. Maybe that has something to do with it.
Oh! I know! Maybe I really am some genetic freak. A mental mutant if you will. I know I am different than the general population.