I find it amusing that when I look for one thing I inevitably find something completely unrelated and infinitely more amusing. Nevermind what I was actually looking for, this is what I found. I think you can insert just about city in there however.
Okay, ladies. He's cute, hot, and his music touches your soul. He smiles at you from the stage, maybe even dedicates a song to you, talks to you and only you during his breaks. You exchange email addresses, myspace friends accounts, you call each other's cell phones so you'll have each other's numbers. A few drinks later, you're making out and maybe even waking up the next day to see your handsome musician snuggling between your sheets. Here's a quick guide to navigate you through the next steps in your relationship with your Houston musician:
1. Do not attempt to rouse him before noon, two pm if you're really cool, five pm if you're meant to be with him. He does not know this "morning" of which you speak. His job is from around 9 pm to at least 3 am, and if a group wants to go to Spanish Flowers, he may roll in from his gig around 5 am. He hasn't seen a sunrise in years, except for the times when he rolls home as it's getting light outside. Don't expect him to know what you do in the daytime. Your job is a foreign concept to him. Don't expect him to understand your deadlines, the fact that your lunch hour is only one hour long, or your hassles with your boss or co-workers. His eyes will glaze over when you attempt to share your Real Job details with him, so don't.
2. Those other three skanky hos at your table are called Band Girlfriends or Band Wives. They will alternately gossip, drink, shout and applaud, drink, dance, drink, smoke, and yammer at you during songs. You may not leave them for another table. You may not argue or fight with them. You must pretend to like them, even if you can't stand them. The last thing your man wants to hear about is how his drummer's wife is a bitch. The last thing he wants to see from the stage is you not being "supportive." Stay at your table and endure; you'll need them later (see #3 below).
3. Should you be unable to attend every gig (being that you have to be at your Real Job at 9 am) you should attend as many weekend gigs as possible and remain at the Band Wife table while you are there. Getting to know these other skanks will insure that if your man plays a gig without you, he won't mess around in front of what he thinks are your "friends." If your musician does step out of line with another cutie, those drunken skanks will make her extremely uncomfortable and put the fear into your man that you will be told. Band Wives are your best protection against cheating, aside from your solid presence.
4. If your musician travels out of town and you can't be with him, there will be days when he doesn't call you. This may be for a number of reasons, the main one being that he is in travel-mode and assumes that you are okay. If he calls you every day and then skips a night, but calls you the next night, he is probably still on the up-and-up. If he calls you daily but then stops halfway through the tour, he may have cheated. If he calls you daily for cash because his crappy van lost its transmission somewhere near Lima, Ohio, you can be sure that he still loves you and can't wait to get home.
5. If your musician cheats on you, don't stay with him. He will not change, he'll just look for someone who makes him feel like a rockstar without all the jealousy and drama of a real relationship.
6. Conversely, if you let him go and never question what he's doing at any time, he will believe that you are cool with him doing whatever he wants. Make your rules for dating, including cheating, clear to him, and if he wants to share your life, he can come to you on your terms. Don't be afraid to use the Glare Of Death towards some other chick, but don't DeathGlare him onstage, even if he's got a skank sitting on his face while he plays the guitar with his toenails. Tell him it was the best toenail-face-solo you've ever seen, and then bully the skank in the bathroom and make her leave the bar in tears. It's the only way.
7. Understand that his clothing will always smell like burning rope. Even if he's not smoking the stuff, his friends are. If you don't want it in your house, don't let him move in.
8. About letting him move in: Don't. Surely you've heard the old joke, "What do you call a drummer who's between girlfriends...homeless!" It's not a joke. When you allow a musician to move in, you are telling him that it's okay if he doesn't work or contribute, clean, or flush the toilet behind himself, because you love him and will put up with all of that just to be his Band Girlfriend. Oh, and don't clean, move, or otherwise touch his musical equipment in any way, ever, even if you have to wedge past it just to get in your own front door.
9. Say you've thrown him out. Don't pawn, sell, throw away, or otherwise deprive him of his equipment that he's left in your house. Give him 10 days to remove it, and then rent a storage unit in his name and give him the information and the key so that he can reclaim it once he's found another girlfriend to mooch off of.
10. This next one is critical: DON'T EVER CRITICIZE HIS BAND or other band members. Sure, the guitarist is tone-deaf and only knows one number on the volume dial (11). Yeah, his drummer couldn't count to four if his life depended upon it. So his singer weighs about ten pounds more than she can comfortably fit in her clothing, or never knows what to say between songs, or just can't manage that high note. So their songs grind at you like a dentist's drill. It is NOT your place to acknowledge any of these flaws. Even if he's ranting pissed-off because of any of these things, listen in sympathetic silence and keep your own opinions to yourself. It's like my mama, I can diss her but nobody else can. As soon as he perceives that you're attacking his band, YOU are the enemy. So don't.
There are a lot more, but this should get you started. I've got to go get a nap, since it's Friday and it's going to be a long night. See you at the gig! I'll be drinking, dancing, and yammering at Table #1.
- Location: experienced guru
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