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In 17,000 gifs or less.

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Yes both. You do the math.








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This will now be the section where I let all you fine folks know what I listen to on my iPod repeatedly. I'm sure you are entirely too thrilled.

Right now, pick something by David Bowie, Manson (Shirley or Marilyn), Underground Rebels, Loving Dead or Todd Kerns. That's what I am listening to.




Yeah, maybe I'll put something here again later. Start holding your breath...... NOW! ha!


Mad Cow
Ill Will Press (Foamy)
Troy Dillinger
Tommy Hale
Adagio Flavors Tea





Shane - 9/10/2003


Bobby - 6/28/2004




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Thursday, October 13, 2011
Really?!

I am currently wearing a size I have never been in during my entire adult life. Please pardon me whilst I shit myself & pass out.


Posted at 09:07 am by Zombie
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File under: Shrinking

Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Irrational brain

Compliments: I'm not comfortable with them at all. They make me suspect people and I certainly can't take them at face value. I'm attempting to be better with this, but it isn't easy. At all.

This probably seems like an odd concept and that's OK. I think of it as one of my many self preservation tactics. Compliments at some point lead to feelings. Feelings lead to me getting squashed. Therefore, if I cut it off at the source I don't have anything to worry about right? Yeah, I know, fucked up way to think.

So this weekend I was hanging out with an old friend. I'm talking we've known each other since we were like 12. The last time she saw me was this time last year. I'm quite a bit smaller this go round. She commented on it repeatedly. I was uncomfortable. She told me several times that I was beautiful. I was uncomfortable. I really need to get over that. I know she isn't trying to get anything out of me & the compliments still made me way uncomfortable.

Just today two people have told me how "skinny" I was. I don't see it. At all. I know I should just take the compliment for what it is, but I can't. Ever. I am sure quite a bit of it has to do with the self-confidence I don't have. Sure, people think I do, but that's the wall showing. I can make people think just about anything. Luckily in today's society no one bothers to take the time to get to know anyone else so I don't have to worry about anyone finding out my secret.

When I was on vacation I got a lot of compliments. Some were in the traditional sense, some were a bit more veiled & came from Jeb. I still wasn't comfortable with those either. One person that gave me several compliments and other random bits of wisdom, well, nevermind. Let's just say I really wanted to (and still want to) believe everything, but my rational brain won't let me. Stupid fucking brain.

This is something I really should work on getting over. I find it amusing and yet sad that I can come here, to a blog that no one reads save fore me (thank goodness), and put the metaphorical pen to paper, yet I can't talk to another living being about this shit. If I do I will look like a fool. Well, that's what my irrational brain tells me. My rational brain tells me it would do me good to find someone (a friend, not a doctor thankyouverymuch) to confide in. Those two are constantly fighting. The rational won a battle not long ago and I actually expressed emotion to someone. Mistake. Now the irrational brain is kicking the living shit out of the rational one.


Posted at 03:35 pm by Zombie
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File under: Because I can, Etc.

Monday, October 10, 2011
Exactly

My writing sucks. I'm all over the place. I'm like a giant emo douchebag right now and it is pissing me off. A lot. I know what I want, I don't know how to get it and I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I am also being a total chick about some other things and that pisses me off as well.

Jeb has suggested that I see a shrink. Jeb can lick my ass. I'm glad it worked for him, but I refuse to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. I just can't do it. To me, if I do that I admit defeat. If I admit defeat I might as well go back to that shitty relationship I was in for 15 years. No offense to anyone that one of those doctors has helped. It works for some people, it just isn't for me.

Right now I think I will just have to switch back into angry, hard, sarcastic Zombie mode. Anti-social, hermit Zombie. I let my wall down and regret it. I let emotions show and I regret it. From here on out it is me against the world in the most literal sense.

One last thing before I quit
I never wanted any more than I could fit into my head
I still remember every single word you said
And all the shit that somehow came along with it
Still there's one thing that comforts me
Since I was always caged and now I'm free





Saturday, October 08, 2011
Last cigarette

Smoking. I loved it. Really. I can almost guarantee that individuals are still alive because of my nicotine dependence. Well, former dependence. I quit smoking one month and one week ago today. I miss it every fucking day. Much like food, cigarettes were a constant. They never changed. They never judged. They never talked back or called me names. They were just there.

I'm still not quite sure why I quit other than it was just time. I had been smoking off and on since I was 15 years old. I'm almost 40. There was a former friend nagging me about it as well, but she played less of a part in it than she would like to give herself credit for. But she's a cunt that way. Don't worry, I'm not putting anything here that I haven't said to her face.

Anyway. I just stopped. There was no replacement therapy. There was no medication. I. Just. Quit. I woke up one morning and decided that was it. No more. There was a conversation the month before with a friend about quitting. They gave me some advice that worked for them. I followed that advice and it worked for me as well. So thanks for that. It means more to me than I could ever explain here.

One thing about quitting smoking though.... the smell of smoke simultaneously makes me wrinkle my nose all ewww like and want a smoke. It is a very odd dynamic. When I first walk into a club or casino it really sucks until I can adjust. However, I vow to never be one of those self-righteous former smokers. If you smoke that's your fucking business. If I am in public then it is my responsibility to stay away from you if that's what I want. I would never expect a smoker to move for me or anything like that. Fuck that noise.

So since January I have given up a lot of things that I love & ended a couple of toxic relationships. I gave up crap food. I have maybe two cups of coffee a week now. I quit smoking. I ended an emotionally abusive relationship that lasted over a decade. I have shed a terribly toxic "friendship." Fuck, pretty soon I might be "normal." Yeah right. No chance of that ever happening.




Posted at 12:00 am by Zombie
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File under: Because I can, Etc.

Friday, October 07, 2011
Fuck you very much

I can't stop those tongues a flappin'
So I'll just keep my toes a tappin'
I put the bullshit in the lost & found
And never let the bastards drag me down**

People always chuckle when I tell them I hate people. I really, really don't care for people. From my experience the vast majority are manipulative & a lot more are, well, cocksuckers.

This town is full of people that would push their grandmothers in front of a bus for a quarter. It is sad really, but this isn't really a place where a person can seem to form a lasting relationship of any kind.

There was a time back in Dallas when I worked for one of the most popular rock bands in town. Those guys were like my big brothers. They even meddled in my affairs when guys showed interest. Being that they were musicians, all the little girls that were around wanted to get in their pants. They tried to use me to make that happen. Suddenly I was one of the most popular people on the entire scene. Not because of my shining personality, but because they wanted me to get them where they wanted to be. That was a tough lesson to learn, but it was an important lesson.

I've seen this happening again here. I've started helping a band by sitting with their shit at shows. Basically selling T-shirts. Who gives a fuck? Sure, I'm friendly with the guys, but I can't get anyone anywhere with them. Chicks don't see that though. They just see band guys talking to me after the show. Not my problem. But people latch on to that. People piss me off.

I happen to get along better when men than I do women. Always have. I can't stand the back biting, the rumors, the emotional bullshit most seem to engage in. That's why the band types talk to me. They know I don't give a fuck about what they do. As far as I am concerned they are just people doing a job. Nothing more. Nothing less. I seriously question whether or not the road whores would give a shit about these guys if they weren't on stage.

At any rate I am dealing with this now. I have made some really good friends, but it is the cunts that stand out. Some nights I just want to strangle some bitches. So far I have been able to take the high road. Not a single, solitary cross word has been utter about these individuals.

You never know when it's gonna get ya
Your big mouth came back & bit ya
Next time you better hold your tongue
'Cause one day your time will come**

I can't say the same for them. Apparently I have quite the reputation these days. It is kind of awesome hearing what I am doing.

If I only had as much fun as people are insinuating that I am. Hell, I sure wouldn't be as stressed out as I am.

** lyrics from All Talk No Action by Todd Kerns off the Go Time! album


Thursday, October 06, 2011
All over the place

Someone asked me why I didn't write anymore. Well, I never really considered blog entries writing in the formal sense. To me, they are just the poorly strung together phrases of a bitter chick that is possibly a tad mental. It never occurred to me that people might actually like reading this shit. I still think the people that do like reading this are in the minority. At the same time I miss writing all the time.

Writing and other creative endeavors have always kept me busy. If I am busy I have less time to think about what my life has or hasn't become. I don't have time to think about what is missing. I don't have time to obsess, which is what I do. Not to mention the fact that I can't sit still to save my ass unless I am doing something with my hands. That's how I ended up playing WoW for a while. It was literally something to do with my hands and then I ended up liking it. Now I am firmly into the crafting camp.

I am well aware that I am ADHD, but I refuse to take medication for it. I'm not big on taking any medication really. Instead, I really try to keep myself busy. I am constantly doing something. Let's put it this way, I can't sit and watch a movie in the theater without fidgeting like whoa. Jeb suggested taking knitting with me as something to keep my hands busy. It really is a fine suggestion other than the fact that I can't knit. I've tried, but I have yet to be successful. Even when I watch movies at the cave I have to be doing something else. Usually I am sewing, doing a cross stitch or some multimedia something or other. I just can't fucking sit still.

My brain never shuts the fuck up either. It is constantly going. You can guarantee that any important decision I have made in the last 25 years has been over thought. I have literally considered every possible scenario. The good and the bad. I can't just be spontaneous with some things. Fuck, I can't be spontaneous with most things. It sucks, but it's true. I lead a fairly boring life except for those few moments every now and then when I act like a normal human being and say "fuck it." I really wish I had more of those moments in my life.

I don't even leave much to chance on vacation. I have several things planned already and I still have a month or so to go. I get there on Tuesday morning. Wednesday I have an excursion planned (thank you bus system!). Thursday I have another excursion planned (thanks again public transportation) as well as a hockey game. Tuesday & Friday are my free days although I am sure Jeb will have something planned for Friday night. Saturday I shall be visiting the happiest place on earth and Sunday I head home in the evening. In between all those times I also have every intention of sitting on the beach doing nothing. See, I just can't leave shit to chance.

I plan on looking at a lot of this on vacation


That being said, I asked a friend for crafting suggestions, but I ended up deciding on several projects before I ever got an answer. So now on deck are a Halloween costume, a shrine and about ten Christmas presents. I suspect that by Thanksgiving I will be scrounging for more stuff to do. Feel free to hurl suggestions my way.


Posted at 12:00 am by Zombie
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File under: *squee*, Adventures, Because I can, Etc.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Nope

Zip-lining. That shit isn't all it is cracked up to be. Might be for some people, but when you are scared of roller coasters, zip-lining isn't for you. No matter how much you talk it up to yourself. No.

So, as part of this whole new "going to try things outside my comfort zone" thing I have going on I decided that the day after my birthday I would go zip-lining down on Fremont. I had spent a week or so working up to it. I told myself that I could do it. It was, after all, only going to last a few seconds, no one had died there that I knew of, I had never witnessed anyone fall off, although, I did witness several get stuck, but that's what they get for weighing 100 pounds. Eat a fucking Twinkie bitch.

Anyway, I go in, I pay for my ride. I wait in line. I get all harnessed up. See:



I even made it onto the platform. Just as they were hooking me to the line I lost my shit. Yep, done. I went all kinds of pussy & asked to be unhooked. I made the walk of shame back down & didn't give a rat's ass. Sometimes when you think you are ready for something you realize you aren't when you are about to simultaneously piss yourself & puke.

In the end I was much harder on myself than anyone else was. I figured Jeb was going to harass me relentlessly, but he didn't. He merely suggested that I start smaller, like with kiddie rides. Yeah, he's still a bastard. So a plan was formulated. I have a list of rides that I will attempt at Disneyland. I have been assured that he will not allow me to ride anything that might cause me to shit myself. Forgive me if I am mildly suspect.

Jeb made mention of being scared of heights. I'm not necessarily scared of heights. I do fine on rooftops & observation decks not to mention in airplanes. It is the whole not being enclosed thing that gets me. Being held to a what is essentially a metal rope by some straps & carabiners is not my idea of security. I like being secure. I am secure in my hard ass bitchiness. I am not secure in a harness being dangled & then flung down Fremont Street. Really.

So maybe that is what it all comes down to. Security. It isn't really being scared necessarily, but feeling secure. Of course going outside my comfort zone doesn't make me feel very secure, but it is something I feel like I have to do. Maybe I just need to take baby steps. Although, I'm fairly certain that if I told you some of the things that were outside my comfort zone you would point & laugh. A lot.


Posted at 12:00 am by Zombie
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Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Moving on

I want to move. I want out of Vegas like yesterday. So, the decision has been made: my comfort zone is going to get blown the fuck up. To be completely honest though, I have been doing little things here & there that are outside my comfort zone. When all this break-up shit (which I instigated) went down I decided changes were in order.

The vacation by myself was a huge thing for me. I was in some place where I knew exactly one person & was moderately acquainted with another. Turns out I got to spend a lot of time by myself since the one person I knew couldn't man up & tell me he had a girlfriend. Still not really sure how that should have affected hanging out with me unless she's the jealous type. Who knows, maybe the sex is that awesome or maybe she lacks a gag reflex. He disguised it as hanging out with his family, but I t'ain't buying it. Whatever, I said my piece, it's over, were back to being BFFs.

I got off track. Go figure. So, vacation.... yes, comfort zone. I did pretty much everything by myself. Two nights I went drinking with Jeb (that's what I shall call my redneck (his word not mine) BFF), but for the most part I did for myself. I sat on the beach A LOT. It was a tad bit scary being alone with my thoughts, but I think I needed it. A lot of decisions can be made when the only thing harassing you are birds & that is from a distance. I did a shit ton of people watching, but the entire time my wall was up & I was on guard. Maybe it was too much out of my comfort zone for one time. The only thing I didn't really like was eating by myself. Always makes me feel like a reject.

So, back to the decision regarding moving. I have a short list of places I am considering. One is about four hours away the other two are in the south which I dearly miss. One of the two in the south is a dark horse at the moment & will probably fall off the list shortly. That really leaves the two. Both are places I adore for different reasons. One place would involve the chance of hurricanes. That doesn't really bother me, but the economy down there does. I mean, the economy sucks everywhere, but I don't want to have to start sucking.... nevermind.

The thought of going either place scares the living shit out of me. Like, I get all worked up just thinking about it. For the first time in my entire life I would be on my own. No roommate. No family in the immediate area to fall back on. One locale would mean only one friend to depend on & he has a life. The other place there would be absolutely no one to depend on. Then I have to remember that I am a fucking adult. Adults live on their own. Adults don't piss themselves at the thought of being alone. Right?

Want to know what made me come to this decision? When I was flying in from my last vacation I got physically ill at the sight of Vegas. Seriously. It took everything I had in me not to puke. It was that bad. So, on a Jet Blue plane however many thousands of feet in the sky above Las Vegas I made the decision to move. Honestly, I thought by now I would have changed my mind, but I haven't. That being said, within a year I will be moving on. It will be a brand new start for me. I'm scared to death & excited at the same time. Now if I could just manage the zipline in downtown. My failed attempt at ziplining is a story for another day.


Posted at 08:56 am by Zombie
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File under: Adventures, Etc., Rednecks

Monday, October 03, 2011
Just because....

Just because I am in the mood...




Posted at 12:37 pm by Zombie
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File under: Because I can

On Food

Food is a good thing, bad thing for me. Well, that might not be the right way to put it. It is more like a love/hate relationship.I love food. A lot. However, I hate what it does to me.

Let's take Sunday for example. I had a horrible food day. I had a mini Payday, several pieces of toast (toasted sandwich thins actually), some rice & some turkey. Oh, then there were those little Parmesan toast thingies from Spain. I ate too much food. Normally I am very, very controlled with my food. Like OCD controlled. I log every last thing that goes into my pie hole. Everything is weighed, measured & portioned. EVERYTHING.

The food seems like the only thing I have complete control over in my life. Yeah, I know, not really a healthy way to look at things, but it is the truth. I can't control who likes me or the events that are going to take place in a day or even who is going to stab me emotionally, but I can control what I consume. I can keep the calories & carbohydrates in check. Only I can let me get fat again. No one else can do it for me. I am the one in control of that.

Honestly, it is probably one of the only times I actually want to be in complete & total control. That may sound contradictory to earlier statements, but let's be honest here.... I can't control what is going to happen to me. I can't control who is going to find me attractive or who is going to like my brash personality. And really, fuck 'em if they don't. Their loss. Kind of lonely with that thinking, but it is just the way I am.

You know what the awesome thing about food is & what makes it so hard to fight the awesome? It rarely lets you down. Food is a constant in your life. When shit was bad all those years the food was my constant. The cheesecake never changes. You know what you are going to get. The food is never going to yell at you, blame you, tell you that you are stupid. The food is just there. Always there. Always quiet.

There are still times that I really, really want an In 'N Out animal style burger & fries. Every once in a while I will have one. However I don't let myself have one every other day. I love good pasta. I had about a half an order of pasta last week & that was the first time since January. Bread.  Holy fuck I love the bread. If there is some on the table when I go out to eat I will have a few pieces, but that's it. I don't even keep it in the house any longer. I am that fucking boring.

Even when I went on vacation I didn't let myself go nuts. Ate more than I should have & even had a pizza one night, but still managed to lose weight. At the same time I still saw my OCD tendencies creeping in. Particularly when I went to lunch with a friend one day. It was to a place we have here in Vegas. I went for the one thing on the menu that I knew fit into my way of eating. I was on vacation for fuck's sake & I couldn't even eat badly.

Don't worry, I still love food. I just don't hang out with it all the time like I once did. It is a toxic, but necessary relationship. I've been forced to put parameters on it, but we still party on occasion.


Posted at 12:00 am by Zombie
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File under: Because I can, Shrinking

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