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Thursday, October 06, 2011
All over the place
Someone asked me why I didn't write anymore. Well, I never really considered blog entries writing in the formal sense. To me, they are just the poorly strung together phrases of a bitter chick that is possibly a tad mental. It never occurred to me that people might actually like reading this shit. I still think the people that do like reading this are in the minority. At the same time I miss writing all the time.
Writing and other creative endeavors have always kept me busy. If I am busy I have less time to think about what my life has or hasn't become. I don't have time to think about what is missing. I don't have time to obsess, which is what I do. Not to mention the fact that I can't sit still to save my ass unless I am doing something with my hands. That's how I ended up playing WoW for a while. It was literally something to do with my hands and then I ended up liking it. Now I am firmly into the crafting camp.
I am well aware that I am ADHD, but I refuse to take medication for it. I'm not big on taking any medication really. Instead, I really try to keep myself busy. I am constantly doing something. Let's put it this way, I can't sit and watch a movie in the theater without fidgeting like whoa. Jeb suggested taking knitting with me as something to keep my hands busy. It really is a fine suggestion other than the fact that I can't knit. I've tried, but I have yet to be successful. Even when I watch movies at the cave I have to be doing something else. Usually I am sewing, doing a cross stitch or some multimedia something or other. I just can't fucking sit still.
My brain never shuts the fuck up either. It is constantly going. You can guarantee that any important decision I have made in the last 25 years has been over thought. I have literally considered every possible scenario. The good and the bad. I can't just be spontaneous with some things. Fuck, I can't be spontaneous with most things. It sucks, but it's true. I lead a fairly boring life except for those few moments every now and then when I act like a normal human being and say "fuck it." I really wish I had more of those moments in my life.
I don't even leave much to chance on vacation. I have several things planned already and I still have a month or so to go. I get there on Tuesday morning. Wednesday I have an excursion planned (thank you bus system!). Thursday I have another excursion planned (thanks again public transportation) as well as a hockey game. Tuesday & Friday are my free days although I am sure Jeb will have something planned for Friday night. Saturday I shall be visiting the happiest place on earth and Sunday I head home in the evening. In between all those times I also have every intention of sitting on the beach doing nothing. See, I just can't leave shit to chance.
I plan on looking at a lot of this on vacation
That being said, I asked a friend for crafting suggestions, but I ended up deciding on several projects before I ever got an answer. So now on deck are a Halloween costume, a shrine and about ten Christmas presents. I suspect that by Thanksgiving I will be scrounging for more stuff to do. Feel free to hurl suggestions my way.
Zip-lining. That shit isn't all it is cracked up to be. Might be for some people, but when you are scared of roller coasters, zip-lining isn't for you. No matter how much you talk it up to yourself. No.
So, as part of this whole new "going to try things outside my comfort zone" thing I have going on I decided that the day after my birthday I would go zip-lining down on Fremont. I had spent a week or so working up to it. I told myself that I could do it. It was, after all, only going to last a few seconds, no one had died there that I knew of, I had never witnessed anyone fall off, although, I did witness several get stuck, but that's what they get for weighing 100 pounds. Eat a fucking Twinkie bitch.
Anyway, I go in, I pay for my ride. I wait in line. I get all harnessed up. See:
I even made it onto the platform. Just as they were hooking me to the line I lost my shit. Yep, done. I went all kinds of pussy & asked to be unhooked. I made the walk of shame back down & didn't give a rat's ass. Sometimes when you think you are ready for something you realize you aren't when you are about to simultaneously piss yourself & puke.
In the end I was much harder on myself than anyone else was. I figured Jeb was going to harass me relentlessly, but he didn't. He merely suggested that I start smaller, like with kiddie rides. Yeah, he's still a bastard. So a plan was formulated. I have a list of rides that I will attempt at Disneyland. I have been assured that he will not allow me to ride anything that might cause me to shit myself. Forgive me if I am mildly suspect.
Jeb made mention of being scared of heights. I'm not necessarily scared of heights. I do fine on rooftops & observation decks not to mention in airplanes. It is the whole not being enclosed thing that gets me. Being held to a what is essentially a metal rope by some straps & carabiners is not my idea of security. I like being secure. I am secure in my hard ass bitchiness. I am not secure in a harness being dangled & then flung down Fremont Street. Really.
So maybe that is what it all comes down to. Security. It isn't really being scared necessarily, but feeling secure. Of course going outside my comfort zone doesn't make me feel very secure, but it is something I feel like I have to do. Maybe I just need to take baby steps. Although, I'm fairly certain that if I told you some of the things that were outside my comfort zone you would point & laugh. A lot.
I want to move. I want out of Vegas like yesterday. So, the decision has been made: my comfort zone is going to get blown the fuck up. To be completely honest though, I have been doing little things here & there that are outside my comfort zone. When all this break-up shit (which I instigated) went down I decided changes were in order.
The vacation by myself was a huge thing for me. I was in some place where I knew exactly one person & was moderately acquainted with another. Turns out I got to spend a lot of time by myself since the one person I knew couldn't man up & tell me he had a girlfriend. Still not really sure how that should have affected hanging out with me unless she's the jealous type. Who knows, maybe the sex is that awesome or maybe she lacks a gag reflex. He disguised it as hanging out with his family, but I t'ain't buying it. Whatever, I said my piece, it's over, were back to being BFFs.
I got off track. Go figure. So, vacation.... yes, comfort zone. I did pretty much everything by myself. Two nights I went drinking with Jeb (that's what I shall call my redneck (his word not mine) BFF), but for the most part I did for myself. I sat on the beach A LOT. It was a tad bit scary being alone with my thoughts, but I think I needed it. A lot of decisions can be made when the only thing harassing you are birds & that is from a distance. I did a shit ton of people watching, but the entire time my wall was up & I was on guard. Maybe it was too much out of my comfort zone for one time. The only thing I didn't really like was eating by myself. Always makes me feel like a reject.
So, back to the decision regarding moving. I have a short list of places I am considering. One is about four hours away the other two are in the south which I dearly miss. One of the two in the south is a dark horse at the moment & will probably fall off the list shortly. That really leaves the two. Both are places I adore for different reasons. One place would involve the chance of hurricanes. That doesn't really bother me, but the economy down there does. I mean, the economy sucks everywhere, but I don't want to have to start sucking.... nevermind.
The thought of going either place scares the living shit out of me. Like, I get all worked up just thinking about it. For the first time in my entire life I would be on my own. No roommate. No family in the immediate area to fall back on. One locale would mean only one friend to depend on & he has a life. The other place there would be absolutely no one to depend on. Then I have to remember that I am a fucking adult. Adults live on their own. Adults don't piss themselves at the thought of being alone. Right?
Want to know what made me come to this decision? When I was flying in from my last vacation I got physically ill at the sight of Vegas. Seriously. It took everything I had in me not to puke. It was that bad. So, on a Jet Blue plane however many thousands of feet in the sky above Las Vegas I made the decision to move. Honestly, I thought by now I would have changed my mind, but I haven't. That being said, within a year I will be moving on. It will be a brand new start for me. I'm scared to death & excited at the same time. Now if I could just manage the zipline in downtown. My failed attempt at ziplining is a story for another day.
Food is a good thing, bad thing for me. Well, that might not be the right way to put it. It is more like a love/hate relationship.I love food. A lot. However, I hate what it does to me.
Let's take Sunday for example. I had a horrible food day. I had a mini Payday, several pieces of toast (toasted sandwich thins actually), some rice & some turkey. Oh, then there were those little Parmesan toast thingies from Spain. I ate too much food. Normally I am very, very controlled with my food. Like OCD controlled. I log every last thing that goes into my pie hole. Everything is weighed, measured & portioned. EVERYTHING.
The food seems like the only thing I have complete control over in my life. Yeah, I know, not really a healthy way to look at things, but it is the truth. I can't control who likes me or the events that are going to take place in a day or even who is going to stab me emotionally, but I can control what I consume. I can keep the calories & carbohydrates in check. Only I can let me get fat again. No one else can do it for me. I am the one in control of that.
Honestly, it is probably one of the only times I actually want to be in complete & total control. That may sound contradictory to earlier statements, but let's be honest here.... I can't control what is going to happen to me. I can't control who is going to find me attractive or who is going to like my brash personality. And really, fuck 'em if they don't. Their loss. Kind of lonely with that thinking, but it is just the way I am.
You know what the awesome thing about food is & what makes it so hard to fight the awesome? It rarely lets you down. Food is a constant in your life. When shit was bad all those years the food was my constant. The cheesecake never changes. You know what you are going to get. The food is never going to yell at you, blame you, tell you that you are stupid. The food is just there. Always there. Always quiet.
There are still times that I really, really want an In 'N Out animal style burger & fries. Every once in a while I will have one. However I don't let myself have one every other day. I love good pasta. I had about a half an order of pasta last week & that was the first time since January. Bread. Holy fuck I love the bread. If there is some on the table when I go out to eat I will have a few pieces, but that's it. I don't even keep it in the house any longer. I am that fucking boring.
Even when I went on vacation I didn't let myself go nuts. Ate more than I should have & even had a pizza one night, but still managed to lose weight. At the same time I still saw my OCD tendencies creeping in. Particularly when I went to lunch with a friend one day. It was to a place we have here in Vegas. I went for the one thing on the menu that I knew fit into my way of eating. I was on vacation for fuck's sake & I couldn't even eat badly.
Don't worry, I still love food. I just don't hang out with it all the time like I once did. It is a toxic, but necessary relationship. I've been forced to put parameters on it, but we still party on occasion.
So I went on vacation mid-August. It's amazing what a few days away from everything can do for ya. It can also fuck everything up like whoa.
While I was on vacation I got to spend some time with someone that has ended up becoming one of my best friends. The relationship was suppose to have a different dynamic, but that's not what happened. However, that's OK. He's someone that I am fairly sure will be in my life for a very long time.
I was also able to meet up with someone I had only known online. That was probably the most enjoyable time I've had with anyone in a long time. Of course, intelligent conversation ALWAYS makes me happy & that's what I had a lot of. It included an amazingly beautiful botanical garden & a conversation about evolutionary theory. Trust me, those few hours were the happiest I had been in years. It's the simple things for me. Really.
I liked where I went on vacation so much I've already made arrangements to return in November. I loved the company, but really fell in love with the area. So, this time I'm going to spend longer there & wander more. I have my reasons. Oh, also, my BFF is taking me to a hockey game and Disneyland. I've never been to the "happiest place on earth." Probably because I am a disgruntled bitch with an attitude, but whatever. I shall spread my gloom soon enough.. Ha!
So, about non-vacation life. Yeah, it is very odd right now. No longer am I in that relationship I had no business being in in the first place. I spent 15 years being told a lot of things that made me lose myself. it happens, it's over, I'm not going to dwell on it. No point in doing so.
Oh yeah, I'm also down something like 70 pounds since January. Still a bit doughy, but working on it. Have about 15 or 20 to go to be accepting of my weight. Still not too comfortable with the compliments. Probably has something to do with that wall I have built up.... I don't trust any of them. I shouldn't be that way, but it keeps me from getting squashed emotionally. It probably also keeps me out of jail since I have an affinity for violence.
With any luck I will be by here more often. That's what I do when I am lonely, I talk to my imaginary friends in the computer. Lucky you.
I have come to the realization that I have entirely too much shit. I've been weeding it out, but damn. The move is this weekend. I have three days to finish packing said shit. I'm screwed.
The packing is going. Slow and steady I suppose. Hit a snafu when Rusty got terribly sick. I lost packing days and it has put my finances in a state of utter chaos. I'll live, I always do.
The Weenasarus was very sick. Had to call the Weenus Ambulance Company also known as Ang to take him to the emergency vet. They didn't know if he would make it through the night. Basket case does not even begin to describe my state. When we went to visit him on Sunday night he looked like he was ready to give up. His state kept me from eating for a couple of days. He went to his regular vet on Monday morning. A myriad of problems were diagnosed. Chief among them, pancreatitis, bladder stones and hypothyroidism. We think everything is under control now, but he now has to be on a low fat diet forever. He is not amused.
All of this started late on Saturday. After he had been to the vet on Saturday morning. The vet was impressed with him stating that he was in really good shape for being almost 16 years old. Then he got his vaccinations. They gave him three. At once. Apparently it created a perfect storm. Everything hitting his immune system at once wreaked hell and havoc. After a lot of reading I realized that both the vet and I screwed up. There was absolutely no reason that Rusty had to have all of his vaccinations at one time. I should have known enough to ask for a staggered schedule. She should have offered one as well just given his age. When she saw him in there when she came back from her days off she thought the vaccines had caused it.
So if you never listen to another piece of advice I offer here, please at least think about this one: if you have a small to medium sized pet or an older pet, please ask your veterinarian to stagger their vaccinations.
So, yeah, I'm not dead. The "spot" turned out to be "nothing" according to my physician. To which I replied, "thanks for scaring the piss out of me for 'nothing.'" She was not amused, but then neither was I.
All of this shit made me realize something. For approximately the past five years I have been hiding. Give it a looksee. About the time I started at my current place of employment I ceased posting on a regular basis. Why? Because I was scared. Something about working for a state subsidized agency made me revert to my 15 year old self. I was afraid to voice my opinions for fear that someone where I work might find out about my blog. Fuck that.
With all the budget bullshit that is going on I really don't give a flying monkey's ass what they think or might find. I go to work every single day wondering if it is going to be my last. There is a very real possibility that my entire department could cease to exist. So fuck it. Its back on bitches.
I miss my blog.
I miss talking to all the people from around this joint.
Most of all I miss me. A lot. Yeah, I know, I've said that before, but seriously, I do.
The posts until mid-March will be sporadic at best as I am finally moving to a new bat cave. Packing 11 years worth of shit is mind boggling to say the least. Yet, there is so much I want to put here for the trolls to shit on. Because, you know, if you post it they will come.
First up we will back track to Halloween and the uber awsome trip to New Orleans. Did I mention there is a monster gay halloween event? And yes, I have pictures. Sausage pizza anyone?