For those that are too lazy to read the humble words I have put forth to the page, you can also now listen to my words of wisdom.  Just click here.

Dearest Helmet Wearing Retard,

While I understand that this is a monumental weekend in your sheep-like existence, please, stay at home.  On any given weekend Las Vegas has more than it's fair share of dumbasses, this weekend that number will be at least doubled if not tripled.  In other words, there will be plenty of jackasses here, your presence will not be required.  Have no fear, your gene pool will be aptly represented.

For those that have decided to don their shiny new helmets, pay triple market value for a shitty hotel room & fight the crowds, I have a few words of advice for you.

• This is not your house.  Please do not piss on the carpet.
  
• Just because she looks like a slut & acts like a slut doesn't mean she's a slut.  She's probably a whore (in the old fashioned sense of the word).
  
• If she's so hot you get an instant hard on & she's bothering with you, she's probably a princess of the pavement.
  
• A pair of jacks is no reason to scream like your balls/tits are in a vice.
  
• If you don't know this town as well as you know your own you do not need to rent a car.
  
• For every person you talk shit about when you are drunk, there are three filming your performance on their cell phones.
  
• If you order a drink or play a table game, especially poker, toke the dealer/waitress.  You cheap fucking bastards!
  
• Girls, if you can't walk in the shoes don't wear them.
  
• On the same note, it was that short when you put it on so quit pulling on it.  You look like you are digging off in your brown eye.
  
• You have never been able to sing.  Being in a casino & full of liquor is never going to change that.
  
• No matter how much you insist, everyone knows you are full of shit when you say you know the owner of the joint.

I sincerely hope that if you have bothered to come out here for the weekend festivities that you stay the hell away from me.  If you think you see me, walk the other way.  If you confront me you will lose a limb in the most horrific of manners.  Follow the simple advice I have laid before you.  One last tidbit.  The music channel that is responsible for this monumental debacle doesn't give two shits about you, only your cash.

Love,
Zombie

In an effort to brighten my spirits I splurged the other day & purchased the special edition of Monty Python & the Holy Grail.  It is by far one of the most brilliant pieces of cinematic story telling to emerge in the past couple of centuries.  Comedic genius doesn't even begin to cover it. 

There was a time in high school, when I was working on the yearbook, when I would go spend a week every summer down in Austin at UT & stay in one of the dorms.  I believe it was the summer before my senior year which is the one I will remember the most.  That year we ended up meeting some other kids who were as into Monty Python as we were.  Every night that week Holy Grail themed items were left outside of doors & taped to doors.

I know I was in receipt of a catapult complete with cow.  They received a Perrie bottle with shrubbery.  There was also the shield of the Brave Sir Robin involved as well as various other items & notes.  At the end of the week we met up with our loot & went to lunch somewhere that escapes me.

And on that note..... Your mother was a hamster & your father smelled of elderberries!  Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

Here ya go.  Something different.  Something that's me as of right now.  I don't care if you like it or not.

Things here are still a little tipsy.  After a shake-up like that it takes me a little while to find my way around again.  I am still having very "lost" moments.  Self reflection in the light of drama isn't always a good thing.

On the upside, someone I consider one of my very bestest friends on the face of the planet is making a trip out here next month.  I can hardly wait.  I need mindless fun & I know that we will be more than capable of having it.

I am attempting to plan a trip to NYC for the spring.  OH has other ideas & has told me that I am not going.  I thought I left the person posing as my father in Texas.  Sounds to me like someone is in for a rude awakening.  Yep.

I don't know how reliable any of these statistics are, but it makes you think.

For the next little while there will be nothing new here.  Things have happened in the last week that have thrown my week into complete turmoil.  I don't know which end is up.

I'm lost & I can't find my map.

Currently I am attempting to create a snazzy new layout for my terribly neglected little space of the internets.  It needs it badly.

Any layout wonkiness should be ignored and not held against me.  Really.  It will be usuable and functional soon enough.

Of course, all of this depends on how bad things end up pissing me off.

If you are pursuing a degree, I have a word of advice for you.  Worship the administrative assistant/secretary in you major department.  You may think that it is the chair or the dean that runs the show, but it is the AA that gets things done.

AAs are probably the most under appreciated beings in the higher education hierarchy.  You don't have to shower them with expensive gifts, but a few nice words every now and then works wonders.  Something else you would do well to remember, AAs only follow the guidelines set before them.  They get things done, but they have limits.  Don't get pissed at them when they tell you no.  If they told you yes they just might be without a job.

Yes, I am a department AA and a pretty fucking cool one in my opinion.  I have the unique position of being a student who works for a college in a professional capacity.  When new policies are laid out before me I am able to say, "Well, you know, this is how most students will perceive that..."  Sure, all of my supervisors went to school, but it was a while ago.  This may seem trivial, but it allows me a little bit of wiggle room to make things easier for the student.

So, be nice to the person behind the desk.  They may be able to help you with things you never dreamed they could.  All it takes is a few nice words.  Leave the attitude at the door or you will never get through it.

 Are you dumb?

I gave up on politics long ago.  It seems to be a draining and futile proposition.  Now it seems I must rethink my opinions.  I found this on someone else's blog and couldn't help posting it here.  I could never hope to be this eleoquent about a subject that gets my goat.

Funding for school came through.  Classes start the beginning of next month & now I am several grand more in debt.  To the government.  Joy.

Vegas in July & August sucks more monkey pecker than exists in nature.  Reason number one to never move here.

My friend that revceived his new liver is doing well & should be home soon.

The guy who was like my big brother when I was younger is not doing so well after the home invasion in January.  He finally got out of the hospital in April, but he will never be the person he was.

New home ownership is on the horizon.  We are going to look at a new place soon.  Its close to work and in a much better neighborhood.  Well, as much better as it can be for this town.  Its exciting and way friggin' scary at the same time.

Mom moved to Iowa last month.  The whole herd likes it there.  They moved to a small town which is more their speed.  Corn as far as the eye can see.  Nice.

I've had a headache for two days.