Well, my old journal site still isn't back up.  There are some things there I wanted to share dammit!  But the most important ones, I realized I had posted on a message board I moderate.  September started off OK, but quickly turned into a giant pile of cow shit.

Once again I'm having to change clients.  The one I have been using has been down for over a week.  It really pisses me off.  But then I guess that's what I get for using free services.  Hopefully it will be back up one day.  When it is, I'll spend a nice evening wasting my time reposting everything here.  Otherwise, some people might be a little lost when it comes to me.  Besides, there's nothing worse than having to repeat yourself.

Hopefully, this one will last for a while.

Right now I'm really angry. Not with Shane. With his side of the family. His brother has taken care of him. My mom has taken care of him. They never came around or even offered to help, not even with $10 even though my sister & BIL have nothing & 4 children of their own to care for. They aren't angry about that & they wouldn't have changed a thing.

But now these people are stepping in & trying to take over. They think they know what Shane would have wanted. They know dick. They always berated him for his tats & piercings. Bet they shit themselves when they saw him laying in that bed with blue hair. teehee Mom just dyed it for him last week.

I know, I'm off on a tangent. I'm trying not to be sad, I'm trying not to cry. But its not working. I told my mom to make sure they play him some decent music. He would hate all those church hymns. It just wasn't him.

The services will be Monday. They are holding off because my nephews' birthday thing is this weekend. My mom & one of my nephews share a birthday & that is tomorrow.

I keep telling myself that I should be grateful that I had him in my life. That now, he's not in pain & he's whole again. That now he gets to be with his mother that he loved so very much. But it still hurts. I still sit here in the dark & cry.

They took Shane off the ventilator today. I was out when Mom called to tell me. I made it through lunch & only cried at the end. After lunch, I sat down at a machine & ordered a shot of Rumplemintz & a Guinness. I remember looking at my phone for the time because I wanted to know what was taking the cocktail waitress so fucking long. It was 1:58 pm. The waitress arrived soon after.

I sat there for maybe a minute & looked at my drinks sitting there on the machine cabinet. I picked up my shot & said to myself "This is for you Shane. I love you." and downed it. It couldn't have been 15 seconds later as my throat was still stinging, that 3 Doors Down came on in the casino. It was When I'm Gone. I lost it. At 2:14 pm, my phone rings. Its Mom. She told me that Shane was gone. He took his last precious breath at about 4 pm CST or 2 pm my time.

Was it a coincidence? Probably. But its funny how it worked out. I miss him so much.


3 Doors Down - When I'm Gone

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind...

Maybe I'm just blind...

[chorus]
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything you need
I'll also be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
[end chorus]

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

[chorus]

Maybe I'm just blind...

[chorus]

Love me when I'm gone...

Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone

I want to thank everyone for their prayers & concerns. Its been a rough time for myself & my family.

By the time most of you will read this, Shane will have been taken off the ventilator. He will no longer be scared. He will no longer be in pain.

Over the weekend, Shane went back into the hospital. It would be his last trip. He had pneumonia in both lungs. On Saturday evening, he flat lined. They were able to bring him back, but he had been down for too long.

The brain scan came back. He was a vegetable. The blood work came back, he was spetic. That's what caused him to flat line in the first place. His brother signed the papers on Monday. It had been discussed & decided long ago, Shane didn't want to live this way.

The decision was made to keep Shane on support until the family could get there. Once they are all there, they will take him off the vent.

Part of me is happy that he won't be in pain any longer. The other part of me can't live without him. And all of me never wanted to have to be writing this.

I want to be there to say goodbye, but I can't be. Its really best that I'm not. Some people have done some things that I don't agree with & I would physically hurt them. They did them to Shane. Got him when he couldn't fight back. Or so they thought. But he will fight back, it will just be through me.

He wouldn't want me to be sad. He wouldn't want me to cry. But I can't help it. I'm going to be sad for a little while. I miss him already. But I will have to say good bye in my own time & on my own terms. I'm just not ready yet. And I can honestly say that the quote I use as my signature can never be any more relevant than it is right now.