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Friday, August 17, 2012
It's always darkest before the dawn. Right?!
Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. My baby brother died suddenly on July 6. He was 28. I pretty much raised him from the time he was four until about ten. Money was scarce around my folks' place & we did what had to be done. That included a 14 year old me taking care of my brother. This has been far suckier than anything I could have imagined.
Since then another place ended up in the running for places to move to. As of right now I am fairly sure I am going to the original place for at least three months. Part of this entire experiment was for me to be on my own. I still think I need to do that. It may work out, it may not, but I can at least say that I tried.
I'm tired from all the bullshit at "home." It never gets any better. Ignoring the prick doesn't work as well as I want it to. I do my best not to talk at all lest I end up with three hots & a cot. Trying to make the best of it is all I can do at this point.
Some days I want to come here & write, but I stop myself. My emotional state as of late has been less than stellar. Asshole keeps picking at me. I keep fighting back. It is making me sick. It is making me tired. It is making me wish that it was November. It makes me scared.
That relationship was dysfunctional at best from the beginning. Never the less I spent fifteen fucking years of my life trying to make it better. Did I think I was going to change him? Absolutely not. You can't change a person. Only they can change themselves. I guess maybe I had seen the dysfunction in my own family growing up & thought this was normal. The male figure worthless, thinking only of themselves.
He accuses me of causing all the stress in his life. Funny, I ask for NOTHING. He's the one having to sneak around to fuck the married tub, not me. He accuses me of trying to control his life. Interesting considering I am the one that is always stuck unless he's available to take me somewhere, which he never is. He is apparently confusing me with her. She tells him when to come & go, what to wear, where they are going to eat. I sit at home, alone, because all my friends have disappeared & it is too hot for me to be out on the bus. I'll start puking. Funny how when you need something most of your friends scatter. That's OK. I know where I stand now.
I have a handful of friends anymore that I can count on for anything & several of them don't even live in this state. One calls me almost every night to make sure I'm OK. The other is Jeb who is kind enough to kick me in the ass when I need it. He's also there just to bullshit which takes my mind off other things. I doubt he really realizes what he does for me.
As of today there are 150 days until my lease is up. At this point I don't know if I will be immediately re-locating or if that will take place in January. I should know more as it gets closer to time. All I know right now is that I am scared as fuck to move. I've said it before & I will say it again, I've never, in my adult life, been alone. Ever. I have always had a hard time being by myself. Why do you think this blog was started in the first place? Even if I was talking to no one, I was still talking. I hate being completely alone. HATE IT. Yet, that is what I am about to be. Alone in a place where I have one friend & two acquaintances. I won't even have the dog. I'll be completely & utterly alone. I'm crying just thinking about it.
I really, really want this to be one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I never once thought that at almost 40 I wouldn't be in the relationship that started when I was 22. I never thought I would be alone. I never thought I would move someplace where I know no one. I never thought I would be starting over. I want this to be exciting & full of promise. Right now it is just like walking into the big scary woods alone at night during a full moon with wolves howling all around you.
The last week or so was simultaneously awesome and so fucking sucktastic it hurt. Like physically hurt.
Jeb did indeed come in for my graduation party. He even brought gifts that were totally thought out and completely me. He really is the best friend a person could have. As much as he wants people to think he is this giant asshole, he is far from it. Therein lies the problem for me. I know what I would eventually like to happen, but do not know that it ever will.
Other than the couple of days he was here everything else has sucked giant moldy donkey balls. The Ex feels the need to rub his 22 year old married girlfriend in my face. I could care less. Well, I didn't give a fuck until he gave her access to MY computer. That's right, he let the cunt remote access my computer over an unsecured connection. He's an idiot of epic proportions. When I lost my shit over the ordeal I was the crazy irrational one. He just doesn't grasp the enormity of their actions. What's even better? He is friends with her husband & the husband pays for everything for him when they go out. So not only is he sleeping in this guy's bed, with is wife, but the guy is basically supporting him too. Isn't he a fucking winner?
Another thing I enjoy about the situation is the chick. Asshole used to harangue me about my weight. This girl looks like she showers every third day & lives on snack cakes. Really?! I guess the fact that he is nailing a 22 year old is all that matters. Regardless she has been banned from the premises. He has been informed that should she cross the threshold I will be forced to press charges for the computer incident. That would mean against the both of them since he loaded the software that allowed her to access it. A felony & a misdemeanor respectively. And he thinks I am the stupid one.
I have been so wound up from the constant harassment that I lost ten pounds between Tuesday & Saturday. Now I am only five pounds from goal, but that's not the way I wanted to get there.
So now I am counting the days until the lease is up & I can leave this situation & state. In case you were wondering the count is now 177 days or five months and 24 days. I sincerely hope that I can make it that long. If not and I do snap, someone please come visit me in jail & bring cookies.
I kind of feel like I should be writing a prison journal as that's what living here feels like at the moment. Sad, but true.
Seems like I live tired lately. I haven't been able to sleep for shit. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I just need to get laid.
My should has been bothering me since 1992. Literally. I've seen a doctor for it on several occasions. The verdict has always been pissed off muscles. Until I went about a month or so ago. According to the doctor my shoulder is actually not formed correctly. Me? Not right? Go figure. Turns out that when I rotate my arm certain ways my shoulder partially dislocates. So, all those times I want to rip it off & beat myself with it probably wouldn't be too difficult of a feat. Maybe I'll just beat someone else with it. MRI that I can't afford is this week. Then they'll decide if I need surgery or not. Yay!
Last week I managed to pick up airfare to my favorite place for the princely sum of $14. That's right. Round trip for fourteen green folding American dollars. I am effectively being forced to take a long weekend to the beach next month. Like you have to do all that much forcing for me to go to the beach & hang out with Jeb.
Speaking of Jeb... he's coming to visit next weekend! Well, he's really coming in for my graduation party, but that counts, right? I've never gotten to hang with Jeb on my turf before. I'm kind of excited. Not only that, but I thought he was just coming in on Saturday & leaving on Sunday. No. He's coming in on Friday. For those that are keeping track this means that I will see him three months in a row!
Lately I think a lot. I'm terrified that Jeb will find this place. He's as resourceful as me. It wouldn't be difficult. Not that there is anything here that I wouldn't be willing to tell him at some point, but I don't know that I want him reading it in the privacy of his own home while naked & watching television. Then I tell myself I can't worry about that. It is what it is and everything happens for a reason. Right? RIGHT?!?
There is another story I wish to tell about a psycho and a small power tool, but that will have to wait until another time. Besides, that story doesn't have a final ending just yet.
The trip to my favorite place last week turned out to be much more interesting than I thought it would be. The weather was kooky as fuck, but that didn't stop us. Maj and I made a trip out to the happiest place on this spinning dirtball. I made it all the way until 3p (we arrived at 8:30a) before I wanted to go on a sporking spree. We left shortly after I nearly threatened to annihilate some poor teenage register jockey in one of the stores. In my defense he was a fucking idiot of epic proportions.
Unfortunately I only got to hang with Jeb one night. It was, of course, awesome. We get along so well it is sickening really. I miss him like whoa & it really does suck that I don't get to see him more often. Sure, we talk all the time via text, but it just isn't the same. I adore being able to punch the bastard when he makes a particularly smartass comment. It is done out of love, I assure you.
At any rate something very, very interesting came up (minds out of the gutter people!) during our bar trip. After discussing the shitty states of our employer subsidized health insurance he queried as to when my lease was up. Even though I found the question odd I answered it without hesitation. I seem to do a lot of things without hesitation where he is concerned now that I think about it. Anyway, I answered the question which was immediately followed by another one. He asked if I had decided to move out there. Funny, I don't remember telling him it was on the list. Maybe I did. There is always beer involved with us. We then began discussing options & the expensive nature of renting an apartment in the area.
At that point he suggested that I find a roommate. Yeah, right. I'm not going to live with some potential psycho that I don't know in the least. I would rather live on my own & pay double to ensure my safety. I voiced these concerns. That's when the bomb dropped & I, dear reader, damn near shat myself while sitting in a hole-in-the-wall bar at the beach. He informed me that his roommate would be vacating & I could have the room if I wanted it. Say what?! Holy fuck me in the ass Batman!
So now I have too much to think about. Really. How can I possibly pass this up? It solves one of my major concerns, living on my own. I would have a Sasquatchian motherfucker as a roommate. That would be awesome & I would be less apprehensive about being away from everyone. It would help with the monetary portion of the program as I certainly would not be paying as much in rent. I know that we get along so that isn't an issue. Sure, we'll fight, but then there will be booze & all will once again be right with the world. So, basically, I have no excuse now. I have about nine months to get my shit in order & tell the current roommate he is on his own when the lease is up.
Now the over thinking and freaking out begins. That being said, be sure to pull up a seat & bring a snack, this is going to be an interesting year. Just like I wanted, but totally wasn't prepared for.
Yeah, so, once a week hasn't happened. I've actually developed a social life so to speak. It's terribly odd since I haven't had one in so fucking long. We're talking since about 1995. Not to mention that whole "I'm a Twitter whore" thing.
Last weekend I was in attendance at the birthday celebration of a guy whose poster was on my wall when I was in high school. That was a bit surreal. Well, it may have been all the car bombs, but regardless I found it odd. It was a great show & I managed to obtain some great pictures that, of course, went up on that social networking site everyone uses. Yes, I was giddy like a school girl. Eat me.
By the way, 21 days until I am on the beach again. Will be long, grueling days. Damn it!
Someone asked me not long ago what my thoughts were on marriage. So, I gave them the safe answer: I'm not opposed to it, but it doesn't define me like it does some women. While at the very core this is completely true, there really is more to it than that.
Eventually I think I would like to get married if the right individual came along. The problem is, I am picky as fuck. No, seriously. I did the whole needy guy relationship thing & I will never do it again. I would rather die old, lonely & with cobwebs covering my kitty. Of course, that was a completely one sided relationship. Then there was that whole "I don't think there should have to be a piece of paper" thing.
Quite often I hear two concepts come up when the subject of marriage is discussed: sex & money. I call bullshit. OK, OK... I can see the sex part, but money, not so much. Even the sex doesn't matter to me, but I know I am weird in that regard. Neither of these concepts have ever made much sense to me. Yes, I know that humans are sexual beings & greedy fucks, but really, is that what you want to base a romantic relationship on? Think about it. If that is what is important to you that is all other people are going to see. You'll be telling your friends at parties that your significant other is rich & can fuck because, apparently, those are the only things that attracted you to them. Again, bullshit.
Here's what I am looking for: intelligence. That is first & foremost on my list. Yes, looks are important. We are visual creatures whether we like it or not, but they are secondary to me. Let's put it this way... I could meet the best looking guy on the face of the planet, but if he's stupid it will completely kill it for me. I just can't do stupid. Really.
They have to bring the funny & like to talk as well. One thing I adore is intelligent conversation. Liking some of the same things I do doesn't hurt, but at the same time I don't want to spend every waking hour with that individual. Time apart pursuing other things is good for a relationship. At the same time I do fully expect outings to places such as museums & whatnot as well as travel. After spending what amounted to about 11 years in an apartment without going anywhere outside the immediate area..... yeah. Besides, spending every waking moment with someone would not only be terribly boring, but would make me seriously want to stab someone in their sleep.
So intelligent, funny, good looking (read: tall), not a cocksucker. These are the few things I am looking for. Age is irrelevant. I mean, I am not looking for a 90 year old, but fuck, I'm not counting anyone out anymore. I'm not getting any younger damn it. If this were a previous century or even decade I would have been put out to pasture or shot long before now. I think they would have called me a spinster or a crazy old cat lady even though I have no cats.
OK, this did not go in the direction I intended at all. As usual I went all raccoon, saw something shiny and forgot what planet I was on. Go figure.
Well, I am officially done actively participating in dating. By that I mean, overtly putting myself out there. If someone wants to ask me out, sure. Otherwise, fuck that noise.
D turned out to be a mental case and a half. I don't say that lightly as I believe we are all mental in our own special ways. This one was fucked up, one step away from Thorazine & a jacket with shiny buckles mental. Oh and a liar. That's OK though, better to find out early than invest time I don't have in the first place & find out later.
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want someone up my ass 24/7. You'd be surprised how difficult that is to find. Really.
The trip to my favorite place was a smashing success. Met a shit ton of new people, caught up with someone I hadn't seen in almost 20 years, got to have lunch both days with a dear friend AND I had dinner with Jeb*. Next trip out is already planned. Maj*, the girl I do these road trips with has never been to Disneyland. That has to change. We also decided we are going to celebrate our half birthdays this year. Technically that would be in March, but we are pushing it back to April. Four days in my favorite place with some of my favorite people? Hell fucking yes!
That trip also made me realize how much I miss music promotions/marketing. One of the new individuals I met & I had a discussion about the use of social media in marketing. Initially he was against having "personal" accounts, but by the time I was finished with him he completely understood my point of view. If he doesn't already he will soon have "personal" accounts that will mainly be band promotion tools as well as for personal appearances with the lightest sprinkling of "personal" news. That is one thing I am really good at & often wonder why I never really explored that avenue more.
Making that trip also reiterated that I belong there. It really is like home. I have to make this happen & I will. Have you ever been some place & it felt like you belonged there? That is this place for me. I know no one other than Jeb & my other friend & I could care less. It is almost like I want to be unknown. I want to be anonymous. At the same time it still really scares the piss out of me. All the scenarios have been run through from fairy tale to zombie apocalypse. Even in apocalypse mode I still want to be there. It shall be done.
*Maj & Jeb are not their real names Einstein. No, you don't need to know them. Fuck off.
Let's continue with the dating chronicles from hell, shall we?
After some lamenting one evening Jeb told me not to jump out of the pool
just yet as I had only recently gotten in. I informed him someone shit
in the pool.
So, I still have not heard from A and as such I have officially written him off.
The date with C never occurred. After much talking I get (and yes it is a
direct quote) "I like you. I like your humor and your outlook." Yay!
Wait, it gets better. Then I get the whole "he doesn't have time for
dating" line. Fuck. Off. Really?!
B, which we never really discussed, can lick my overly white ass. He was
determined to tell me what I was thinking and how I was living my life.
Yeah, I would have pushed him in front of a bus.
Now we are on to D. We have a date tomorrow. I don't want to get my
hopes up, but he's a fairly awesome guy. He actually gets my sense of
humor. He goes with it. My weird little stories? He adds to them! I
figure at the very least we will be friends.
But I digress. This dating thing sucks festering donkey cock. People tell me all the time that it is fun. I have yet to see it.
Let's move on to how the year has progressed thus far shall we? It has
been pretty fucking awesome. I certainly can't complain all that much.
This past weekend I was the recipient of my first ever, honest to
goodness backstage pass. No, I didn't have to use oral abilities you
ingrates. A friend did an interview for her column and we ended up with
the passes when we thought she was just getting tickets.
Later that evening we ventured to downtown to support a DJ friend of
ours hosting a goth night. Talk about turd in a punchbowl. That was me. I
love how groups such as goths or punks or whatever bitch about people
that judge them, yet they do the exact same fucking thing. We walked in & all eyes were on us. Like we were fucking spies. Then when our friend greeted us I felt the eyeballs ease.
While sitting there talking to another friend we got on the subject of
the bags and such that I make. After showing him pictures of one that I
did he offered me gallery space to vendor at a local monthly event. I
declined, but was told I will do it. Even if he has to work on me to get
it done. Now I am a little freaked out, but I am my own toughest
On top of all that, next week holds an impromptu mini-vacation to the
beach. Technically it is to a music convention, but I agreed to go and
use a free room I have based on me getting to visit my beach. Agreement
was made and I leave on Thursday morning. I am giddy. Plus, I get to
show my friend who has never been there around. Who knows, maybe I'll
even be able to meet up with Jeb and my other friend that's down there.
Fingers crossed people. NOW! Thanks. I knew I could count on you.
As I stated before.... this is some fucked up shit, man. I've been out of the game for a really, really long time and was never really in it to begin with. So now, I have flung myself into the dating arena. I must be fucking insane.
So maybe I put myself out there on a couple of dating sites. Two to be exact. With that I have conversed extensively with three people. I have gone out with one (A). Tentative dates are set for this Sunday (C) and sometime after January 2nd (B). Fairly sure I've already killed the one for Sunday. I'll explain later.
Tuesday last week I went on my first real date. Simple, straight forward. Met A at a local burger joint inside a casino. Well, it was supposed to be some place else, but the wait was a bit much. He was way more cute than I thought he was going to be. Smart, nice, talkative, but not overly chatty. We had a lot of stuff in common and got along in general. I think we sat in that place just talking for a little under three hours. He offered to drive me home as I still don't drive. On the way to the car he put his arm around me. Awwww.... We talked the entire way home. As I go to get out of the car he decides to walk me to the door. Fuck. My brain lost its shit. There commenced, on my doorstep, quite the awesome make-out session. I finally had to make him leave.
I texted to thank him for a nice evening and he mentions getting together again. Sure, no problem. I hear from him the next couple of days & then nothing. We had set up a date for today so I texted to make sure we were still on. Yeah, not so much. First I get the "tomorrow is now a maybe" text followed hours later by the cancellation text. I was very short and quite rude in my opinion. So this morning I text to apologize for being a cunt. Nothing more. I get a diatribe in return. After he canceled with me his ex-wife gets in touch and wants to go to dinner because she is having "problems." He hopes I'm not mad, but if I am he understands. What. The. Fuck.
OK, I'm not sure why he would think I would be mad. The only way I think I would be justified in being mad would be if we were an item. I don't think that we are. He's an adult. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. Not my business. He already canceled on me with the explanation of packing to move, so why bother even telling me about the ex? Was I being baited for reaction? Did he genuinely feel bad (well, his exact words were "kinda bad")? Should I give a fuck?
Bottom line, I think I am being played and I don't like it. I suspect everyone and A is no exception. He hasn't earned any trust so none can be given outright. At the same time, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt once. ONCE. Fucker just used his. If he thinks I am going to sit around with my phone between my legs waiting for him to contact me he is sorely mistaken.
Tentative date with C is Sunday. We conversed most of the day yesterday. He seems like an OK guy and there is nothing wrong with meeting someone. We discussed all manner of topics including his kid. Now, anyone that knows me knows I have zero desire to have children. Fairly sure I was born without that mythical biological clock. However, in the spirit of trying new things I was willing to go out with someone that has a child. I made that choice, quit fucking harping on it dude. I don't want to be anyone's mother. I think he finally got it. Then he had to go and ask a sex question.
Now, one thing I do not tolerate is lying so I don't participate in the practice either. I answered the question. I am horribly shy when it comes to sex. Period. I don't care who it is with. Just the way I am. Chalk it up to self image issues. Doesn't matter, it is what it is. He either accepts it or doesn't. Not my problem. Apparently he didn't like my answer. So I am fairly sure the date on Sunday is no more. Is this where I am supposed to act like a chick and be all upset? Yeah, not happening. His loss. Why? Because....
I am the most awesome chick most of you will never meet!
I know this. I don't rightly care what anyone else thinks. Jeb is kind enough to tell me this on a regular basis. Of course he also told me I am too good to be thinking the way I am on some things, but that's a mental introspection for another time.