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Thursday, May 15, 2014
Somehow I lost my taste for writing. If I had to guess it would have something to do with everything that isn't going on in my life. Or maybe with the few shitastic things that are going on. Who knows.
My mental issues have been raging lately. There was a time when I was completely ashamed of these things. It was a stigma I wasn't willing to deal with. Fuck that shit. I'm crazy and it makes me who I am. It isn't like I am schizophrenic, that's my aunt. I just have general anxiety and depression. Usually I can handle one or the other, but when they both decide to come out and play it fucks my whole world.
I let things pile up and I internalize everything for the most part. I only have one person I tell *everything* to. Luckily he gets it, doesn't hold my crazy against me and loves me. I tried to get help for it, but thanks to the government, it is way more difficult than it should be.
Due to my inability to secure employment, I have had to turn to the government for assistance. That is just as frustrating as not being able to control what your brain does. My unemployment was killed dead at the beginning of January. I have ZERO income. I've sold most everything I can sell. I had to apply for government medical. Do you know how humiliating that is?! I have done for myself my entire life and I had to ask for something. Then I get it and NO ONE WILL TAKE IT. Thanks for fucking everything up even more lazy ass bitches and Mr. President. When I did finally find someone, they can't see me until the beginning of June. Six weeks from the time I called looking for mental help.
I'm still not back to myself, but I am currently better. Just my normal cranky self. Thanks for your concern.
I'll bitch about the public perception about us "lazy & unemployed" people soon. Right now, I have to reinforce the lazy portion by cleaning and cooking. Maybe I'll even apply for some more jobs I won't get.
This blog has been here a long time. I've been doing this shit for ten plus years. My whimsical sarcastic musings have been available to the world. I could possibly be profiled as somewhat psychotic. I know I could be profiled as mental. Why? Because, well, I am.
For a long period of time this place sucked. I just didn't give a fuck. My soul was slowly being sucked out and I was allowing it to happen. It wasn't fun. I knew it was happening and I allowed it. Yep, I sucked as a human being. I was miserable. Luckily I hid it well. Then one day the dam broke. There were cracks for a while, but you can fix cracks. Well, you can only repair them so often. Then, one day, the whole fucking thing just blows up. Like the first piss in the morning, once it starts you have no way of stopping it.
Several times I vowed to get "me" back. Bullshit. I was just trying to convince myself to grow some fucking balls. It doesn't work that way. Either your balls drop or they don't. You can't will them. You have to be ready for them. I was so far gone I scared my balls away. Take a minute to think about that.
I. Scared. My. Balls. Away.
For whatever reason I found myself incapable of defending my own sensibilities. It was bullshit. I turned into a pussy. A giant, subservient pussy. Do you know how ashamed that makes you feel when you finally accept it? Yeah, you kind of feel like dog shit that went through a lawn mower and then got set on fire. How not awesome is that?
So, anyway, fuck that shit. Fuck introspection. Fuck being all moody and bullshit. Bring on the redneck stories! Why? Because the truth is stranger than fiction, bitches. That's why.
Well, I'm officially under 100 days until I can escape the current situation. Things are starting to become reality & it is still a bit frightening. However, it shall be done. Woo?
Things I must do:
Find a new cave
Figure out how I am moving my crap
Get my resume in order
Pack said crap
Not freak the fuck out
Sure, it isn't a long list, but it is important. In just over three months I will be on my own for the first time in my short, insignificant life. Yes, I keep harping on that. No, I don't give a rat's ass what you think of it.
For the record, I doubt I will ever state publicly where I am moving to. There must be a complete & total break from the ex. The only way to do that is to make it as difficult as possible for him to find me. Obviously I'm not going to put that information out for the world. May as well just leave a forwarding address card for him. Not going to happen. If all goes as planned the only remaining contact information he will have is an email address. Easy enough to make him a spam category, but only because there isn't a "Soul Sucking Asshole" box.
Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. My baby brother died suddenly on July 6. He was 28. I pretty much raised him from the time he was four until about ten. Money was scarce around my folks' place & we did what had to be done. That included a 14 year old me taking care of my brother. This has been far suckier than anything I could have imagined.
Since then another place ended up in the running for places to move to. As of right now I am fairly sure I am going to the original place for at least three months. Part of this entire experiment was for me to be on my own. I still think I need to do that. It may work out, it may not, but I can at least say that I tried.
I'm tired from all the bullshit at "home." It never gets any better. Ignoring the prick doesn't work as well as I want it to. I do my best not to talk at all lest I end up with three hots & a cot. Trying to make the best of it is all I can do at this point.
Some days I want to come here & write, but I stop myself. My emotional state as of late has been less than stellar. Asshole keeps picking at me. I keep fighting back. It is making me sick. It is making me tired. It is making me wish that it was November. It makes me scared.
That relationship was dysfunctional at best from the beginning. Never the less I spent fifteen fucking years of my life trying to make it better. Did I think I was going to change him? Absolutely not. You can't change a person. Only they can change themselves. I guess maybe I had seen the dysfunction in my own family growing up & thought this was normal. The male figure worthless, thinking only of themselves.
He accuses me of causing all the stress in his life. Funny, I ask for NOTHING. He's the one having to sneak around to fuck the married tub, not me. He accuses me of trying to control his life. Interesting considering I am the one that is always stuck unless he's available to take me somewhere, which he never is. He is apparently confusing me with her. She tells him when to come & go, what to wear, where they are going to eat. I sit at home, alone, because all my friends have disappeared & it is too hot for me to be out on the bus. I'll start puking. Funny how when you need something most of your friends scatter. That's OK. I know where I stand now.
I have a handful of friends anymore that I can count on for anything & several of them don't even live in this state. One calls me almost every night to make sure I'm OK. The other is Jeb who is kind enough to kick me in the ass when I need it. He's also there just to bullshit which takes my mind off other things. I doubt he really realizes what he does for me.
As of today there are 150 days until my lease is up. At this point I don't know if I will be immediately re-locating or if that will take place in January. I should know more as it gets closer to time. All I know right now is that I am scared as fuck to move. I've said it before & I will say it again, I've never, in my adult life, been alone. Ever. I have always had a hard time being by myself. Why do you think this blog was started in the first place? Even if I was talking to no one, I was still talking. I hate being completely alone. HATE IT. Yet, that is what I am about to be. Alone in a place where I have one friend & two acquaintances. I won't even have the dog. I'll be completely & utterly alone. I'm crying just thinking about it.
I really, really want this to be one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I never once thought that at almost 40 I wouldn't be in the relationship that started when I was 22. I never thought I would be alone. I never thought I would move someplace where I know no one. I never thought I would be starting over. I want this to be exciting & full of promise. Right now it is just like walking into the big scary woods alone at night during a full moon with wolves howling all around you.
The last week or so was simultaneously awesome and so fucking sucktastic it hurt. Like physically hurt.
Jeb did indeed come in for my graduation party. He even brought gifts that were totally thought out and completely me. He really is the best friend a person could have. As much as he wants people to think he is this giant asshole, he is far from it. Therein lies the problem for me. I know what I would eventually like to happen, but do not know that it ever will.
Other than the couple of days he was here everything else has sucked giant moldy donkey balls. The Ex feels the need to rub his 22 year old married girlfriend in my face. I could care less. Well, I didn't give a fuck until he gave her access to MY computer. That's right, he let the cunt remote access my computer over an unsecured connection. He's an idiot of epic proportions. When I lost my shit over the ordeal I was the crazy irrational one. He just doesn't grasp the enormity of their actions. What's even better? He is friends with her husband & the husband pays for everything for him when they go out. So not only is he sleeping in this guy's bed, with is wife, but the guy is basically supporting him too. Isn't he a fucking winner?
Another thing I enjoy about the situation is the chick. Asshole used to harangue me about my weight. This girl looks like she showers every third day & lives on snack cakes. Really?! I guess the fact that he is nailing a 22 year old is all that matters. Regardless she has been banned from the premises. He has been informed that should she cross the threshold I will be forced to press charges for the computer incident. That would mean against the both of them since he loaded the software that allowed her to access it. A felony & a misdemeanor respectively. And he thinks I am the stupid one.
I have been so wound up from the constant harassment that I lost ten pounds between Tuesday & Saturday. Now I am only five pounds from goal, but that's not the way I wanted to get there.
So now I am counting the days until the lease is up & I can leave this situation & state. In case you were wondering the count is now 177 days or five months and 24 days. I sincerely hope that I can make it that long. If not and I do snap, someone please come visit me in jail & bring cookies.
I kind of feel like I should be writing a prison journal as that's what living here feels like at the moment. Sad, but true.
Seems like I live tired lately. I haven't been able to sleep for shit. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I just need to get laid.
My should has been bothering me since 1992. Literally. I've seen a doctor for it on several occasions. The verdict has always been pissed off muscles. Until I went about a month or so ago. According to the doctor my shoulder is actually not formed correctly. Me? Not right? Go figure. Turns out that when I rotate my arm certain ways my shoulder partially dislocates. So, all those times I want to rip it off & beat myself with it probably wouldn't be too difficult of a feat. Maybe I'll just beat someone else with it. MRI that I can't afford is this week. Then they'll decide if I need surgery or not. Yay!
Last week I managed to pick up airfare to my favorite place for the princely sum of $14. That's right. Round trip for fourteen green folding American dollars. I am effectively being forced to take a long weekend to the beach next month. Like you have to do all that much forcing for me to go to the beach & hang out with Jeb.
Speaking of Jeb... he's coming to visit next weekend! Well, he's really coming in for my graduation party, but that counts, right? I've never gotten to hang with Jeb on my turf before. I'm kind of excited. Not only that, but I thought he was just coming in on Saturday & leaving on Sunday. No. He's coming in on Friday. For those that are keeping track this means that I will see him three months in a row!
Lately I think a lot. I'm terrified that Jeb will find this place. He's as resourceful as me. It wouldn't be difficult. Not that there is anything here that I wouldn't be willing to tell him at some point, but I don't know that I want him reading it in the privacy of his own home while naked & watching television. Then I tell myself I can't worry about that. It is what it is and everything happens for a reason. Right? RIGHT?!?
There is another story I wish to tell about a psycho and a small power tool, but that will have to wait until another time. Besides, that story doesn't have a final ending just yet.
The trip to my favorite place last week turned out to be much more interesting than I thought it would be. The weather was kooky as fuck, but that didn't stop us. Maj and I made a trip out to the happiest place on this spinning dirtball. I made it all the way until 3p (we arrived at 8:30a) before I wanted to go on a sporking spree. We left shortly after I nearly threatened to annihilate some poor teenage register jockey in one of the stores. In my defense he was a fucking idiot of epic proportions.
Unfortunately I only got to hang with Jeb one night. It was, of course, awesome. We get along so well it is sickening really. I miss him like whoa & it really does suck that I don't get to see him more often. Sure, we talk all the time via text, but it just isn't the same. I adore being able to punch the bastard when he makes a particularly smartass comment. It is done out of love, I assure you.
At any rate something very, very interesting came up (minds out of the gutter people!) during our bar trip. After discussing the shitty states of our employer subsidized health insurance he queried as to when my lease was up. Even though I found the question odd I answered it without hesitation. I seem to do a lot of things without hesitation where he is concerned now that I think about it. Anyway, I answered the question which was immediately followed by another one. He asked if I had decided to move out there. Funny, I don't remember telling him it was on the list. Maybe I did. There is always beer involved with us. We then began discussing options & the expensive nature of renting an apartment in the area.
At that point he suggested that I find a roommate. Yeah, right. I'm not going to live with some potential psycho that I don't know in the least. I would rather live on my own & pay double to ensure my safety. I voiced these concerns. That's when the bomb dropped & I, dear reader, damn near shat myself while sitting in a hole-in-the-wall bar at the beach. He informed me that his roommate would be vacating & I could have the room if I wanted it. Say what?! Holy fuck me in the ass Batman!
So now I have too much to think about. Really. How can I possibly pass this up? It solves one of my major concerns, living on my own. I would have a Sasquatchian motherfucker as a roommate. That would be awesome & I would be less apprehensive about being away from everyone. It would help with the monetary portion of the program as I certainly would not be paying as much in rent. I know that we get along so that isn't an issue. Sure, we'll fight, but then there will be booze & all will once again be right with the world. So, basically, I have no excuse now. I have about nine months to get my shit in order & tell the current roommate he is on his own when the lease is up.
Now the over thinking and freaking out begins. That being said, be sure to pull up a seat & bring a snack, this is going to be an interesting year. Just like I wanted, but totally wasn't prepared for.
Yeah, so, once a week hasn't happened. I've actually developed a social life so to speak. It's terribly odd since I haven't had one in so fucking long. We're talking since about 1995. Not to mention that whole "I'm a Twitter whore" thing.
Last weekend I was in attendance at the birthday celebration of a guy whose poster was on my wall when I was in high school. That was a bit surreal. Well, it may have been all the car bombs, but regardless I found it odd. It was a great show & I managed to obtain some great pictures that, of course, went up on that social networking site everyone uses. Yes, I was giddy like a school girl. Eat me.
By the way, 21 days until I am on the beach again. Will be long, grueling days. Damn it!