The posts, well they are really more for me.  I don't ever want to forget.  I know that I won't ever forget Shane, but I guess its my way of holding on.  I know, I'm only holding on to a memory, but now, that's all I have.  Its probably not healthy & I should let go, but I can't do that right now.  It still hurts so much.

I have regrets & that's part of my problem.  I regret that I couldn't be there for him.  That I couldn't keep certain things that happened from occuring.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  I didn't get to tell him I loved him.

Its been a few weeks & I'm still nowhere near on track.  Sleep..... maybe two hours a night if I'm lucky.  That is until my body decides it hates me & puts itself to sleep.  Emotions..... Sweet Jesus!  I'm swinging like a monkey from a banana tree.  I still sit in the dark & cry.  I have zero motivation.  I just don't give a fuck.

So there you have the patheticness (Is that even a damn word?) that is me at this point in time.  I hate it.  Its not me in the least.  I'm suppose to be the one that laughs at everything & makes other people laugh.  I'm the one that listens & helps.  I have never been one to bitch about my problems, but that seems like its exactly what I'm doing now.  I'm suppose to be the strong one.  I've always been the strong one.  Right now, I feel like a giant bowl of warm jello.