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This will now be the section where I let all you fine folks know what I listen to on my iPod repeatedly. I'm sure you are entirely too thrilled.

Right now, pick something by David Bowie, Manson (Shirley or Marilyn), Underground Rebels, Loving Dead or Todd Kerns. That's what I am listening to.




Yeah, maybe I'll put something here again later. Start holding your breath...... NOW! ha!


Mad Cow
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Troy Dillinger
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Adagio Flavors Tea





Shane - 9/10/2003


Bobby - 6/28/2004




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Thursday, July 17, 2014
More interviews

So, this week I had four interviews scheduled. Yay, right? Not really.

My interview Tuesday was with a state agency. I believe that one went exceptionally well. The individual I would be working for and I got along quite well. I should know something about that early next week. Here's hoping, kids.

Wednesday was a cluster fuck of epic proportions. I received a call from a temp agency on Tuesday. Just as I was about to go into the other interview, as a matter of fact. I called the woman back repeatedly. She finally got back to me after 5p. Seriously?! Whatever. I talked to her for quite a bit. Answered all her questions and voiced my one concern about the position. She said it was a non-issue and wanted me to come in Wednesday for a face-to-face. Sure, no problem. A job is a job even if it is only for 4 to 5 months.

I went in yesterday for my 11:00a interview. I was early as usual and arrived at 10:45a. I always try to get to these things early as I hate being rushed. Plus, I have a tendency to get lost even with my GPS. Anyway, the interview started at about 10:58a. I was finished and back in my truck by 11:09a. That's right, I was in there for about 10 minutes. It took me three times that long just to drive there. Then, she basically asked me everything she had asked on the phone. Really, lady?! I was not amused. At all.

Today I had two interviews scheduled. One was a phone interview and the other was in-person 45 minutes away. At 8:15a I got a phone call informing me that the in-person interview had to be rescheduled as the interviewer wasn't going to make it back to town in time. Mind you they called for this on Monday with the promise of a confirmation email once everything was arranged with the interviewer. I got that confirmation email yesterday morning at 9:00a. Exactly 26 hours before the interview. Then two hours forty-five minutes before the interview they reschedule it for Monday with zero apology. Cocksuckers.

The phone interview was in higher education. It was a conference call with three individuals. One couldn't make it. Another was ten minutes late. They would have thrown me out of the candidate pool without even speaking to me had I been ten minutes late. Otherwise I think it went OK, but I have serious doubts that I will be moving to the next phase. Thems the breaks.

In addition to all of that I am still putting out multiple resumes a day. Maybe I will get lucky and get something soon. Otherwise, I think I am going to have to pimp out Seamus. Anyone have any tips for pimping a Betta?

And remember, if you find a sack full of cash and would like to help, use this.


Posted at 10:20 am by Zombie
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File under: Brain numbing

Tuesday, July 15, 2014
And then it all went to crap

So, I have decided to turn to crowd funding to help with things. I'm not holding my breath, but I have to at least try. My brother-in-law was kind enough to fall dick first into some bitch repeatedly over 18 months, so now I have to find a new place to live. That's a bit difficult with no income.

In the even that you are so inclined or know someone that enjoys giving money to random strangers...

Help me not be homeless!!

Also, should you happen to be acquainted with someone that has more money than a small third world country could spend in a decade, please let them know I have student loan debt that desperately needs to be paid.

I have no other bills (except my phone bill and soon my auto insurance) since I had to break down and file bankruptcy. Good times!!


Posted at 11:08 am by Zombie
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File under: Because I can, Etc., OK, I might care who you are

Thursday, May 15, 2014
Right

Somehow I lost my taste for writing. If I had to guess it would have something to do with everything that isn't going on in my life. Or maybe with the few shitastic things that are going on. Who knows.

My mental issues have been raging lately. There was a time when I was completely ashamed of these things. It was a stigma I wasn't willing to deal with. Fuck that shit. I'm crazy and it makes me who I am. It isn't like I am schizophrenic, that's my aunt. I just have general anxiety and depression. Usually I can handle one or the other, but when they both decide to come out and play it fucks my whole world.

I let things pile up and I internalize everything for the most part. I only have one person I tell *everything* to. Luckily he gets it, doesn't hold my crazy against me and loves me. I tried to get help for it, but thanks to the government, it is way more difficult than it should be.

Due to my inability to secure employment, I have had to turn to the government for assistance. That is just as frustrating as not being able to control what your brain does. My unemployment was killed dead at the beginning of January. I have ZERO income. I've sold most everything I can sell. I had to apply for government medical. Do you know how humiliating that is?! I have done for myself my entire life and I had to ask for something. Then I get it and NO ONE WILL TAKE IT. Thanks for fucking everything up even more lazy ass bitches and Mr. President. When I did finally find someone, they can't see me until the beginning of June. Six weeks from the time I called looking for mental help.

I'm still not back to myself, but I am currently better. Just my normal cranky self. Thanks for your concern.

I'll bitch about the public perception about us "lazy & unemployed" people soon. Right now, I have to reinforce the lazy portion by cleaning and cooking. Maybe I'll even apply for some more jobs I won't get.


Posted at 09:13 am by Zombie
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File under: Because I can, No, I don't care who you are

Monday, December 02, 2013
It occurs to me...

This blog has been here a long time. I've been doing this shit for ten plus years. My whimsical sarcastic musings have been available to the world. I could possibly be profiled as somewhat psychotic. I know I could be profiled as mental. Why? Because, well, I am.

For a long period of time this place sucked. I just didn't give a fuck. My soul was slowly being sucked out and I was allowing it to happen. It wasn't fun. I knew it was happening and I allowed it. Yep, I sucked as a human being. I was miserable. Luckily I hid it well. Then one day the dam broke. There were cracks for a while, but you can fix cracks. Well, you can only repair them so often. Then, one day, the whole fucking thing just blows up. Like the first piss in the morning, once it starts you have no way of stopping it.

Several times I vowed to get "me" back. Bullshit. I was just trying to convince myself to grow some fucking balls. It doesn't work that way. Either your balls drop or they don't. You can't will them. You have to be ready for them. I was so far gone I scared my balls away. Take a minute to think about that.

I. Scared. My. Balls. Away.

For whatever reason I found myself incapable of defending my own sensibilities. It was bullshit. I turned into a pussy. A giant, subservient pussy. Do you know how ashamed that makes you feel when you finally accept it? Yeah, you kind of feel like dog shit that went through a lawn mower and then got set on fire. How not awesome is that?

So, anyway, fuck that shit. Fuck introspection. Fuck being all moody and bullshit. Bring on the redneck stories!  Why? Because the truth is stranger than fiction, bitches. That's why.


Posted at 07:26 pm by Zombie
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File under: Because I can

Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Make like a baby...

First, Happy Halloween!!

Second, I'm moving. Across the country. I might also be seriously seeing someone. Yes, I am happy. No, I don't care what anyone thinks.

My last day at work is Friday. I move 19 days later. Did I mention it is about 1,700 miles away? Did I mention there is snow there already? I probably forgot to mention I only own TWO pairs of pants.

I also haven't gotten laid in a year. Because you need to know that, too. You also need to know that before that it was about five years. I need Thanksgiving to hurry up. Turkey & penis for me!! ha!


Posted at 08:29 am by Zombie
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File under: *squee*, Adventures, Etc., Vegas...errr... hell

Monday, August 20, 2012
It's getting real...

Well, I'm officially under 100 days until I can escape the current situation. Things are starting to become reality & it is still a bit frightening. However, it shall be done. Woo?

Things I must do:
  • Find a new cave
  • Figure out how I am moving my crap
  • Get my resume in order
  • Pack said crap
  • Not freak the fuck out
Sure, it isn't a long list, but it is important. In just over three months I will be on my own for the first time in my short, insignificant life. Yes, I keep harping on that. No, I don't give a rat's ass what you think of it.

For the record, I doubt I will ever state publicly where I am moving to. There must be a complete & total break from the ex. The only way to do that is to make it as difficult as possible for him to find me. Obviously I'm not going to put that information out for the world. May as well just leave a forwarding address card for him. Not going to happen. If all goes as planned the only remaining contact information he will have is an email address. Easy enough to make him a spam category, but only because there isn't a "Soul Sucking Asshole" box.


Posted at 11:36 am by Zombie
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File under: Escape, Vegas...errr... hell

Friday, August 17, 2012
It's always darkest before the dawn. Right?!

Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. My baby brother died suddenly on July 6. He was 28. I pretty much raised him from the time he was four until about ten. Money was scarce around my folks' place & we did what had to be done. That included a 14 year old me taking care of my brother. This has been far suckier than anything I could have imagined.

Since then another place ended up in the running for places to move to. As of right now I am fairly sure I am going to the original place for at least three months. Part of this entire experiment was for me to be on my own. I still think I need to do that. It may work out, it may not, but I can at least say that I tried.

I'm tired from all the bullshit at "home." It never gets any better. Ignoring the prick doesn't work as well as I want it to. I do my best not to talk at all lest I end up with three hots & a cot. Trying to make the best of it is all I can do at this point.

Wish me luck.


Posted at 02:11 pm by Zombie
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File under: Escape, Vegas...errr... hell

Monday, June 25, 2012
We all have those days. Right?!

Some days I want to come here & write, but I stop myself. My emotional state as of late has been less than stellar. Asshole keeps picking at me. I keep fighting back. It is making me sick. It is making me tired. It is making me wish that it was November. It makes me scared.

That relationship was dysfunctional at best from the beginning. Never the less I spent fifteen fucking years of my life trying to make it better. Did I think I was going to change him? Absolutely not. You can't change a person. Only they can change themselves. I guess maybe I had seen the dysfunction in my own family growing up & thought this was normal. The male figure worthless, thinking only of themselves.

He accuses me of causing all the stress in his life. Funny, I ask for NOTHING. He's the one having to sneak around to fuck the married tub, not me. He accuses me of trying to control his life. Interesting considering I am the one that is always stuck unless he's available to take me somewhere, which he never is. He is apparently confusing me with her. She tells him when to come & go, what to wear, where they are going to eat. I sit at home, alone, because all my friends have disappeared & it is too hot for me to be out on the bus. I'll start puking. Funny how when you need something most of your friends scatter. That's OK. I know where I stand now.

I have a handful of friends anymore that I can count on for anything & several of them don't even live in this state. One calls me almost every night to make sure I'm OK. The other is Jeb who is kind enough to kick me in the ass when I need it. He's also there just to bullshit which takes my mind off other things.  I doubt he really realizes what he does for me.

As of today there are 150 days until my lease is up. At this point I don't know if I will be immediately re-locating or if that will take place in January. I should know more as it gets closer to time. All I know right now is that I am scared as fuck to move. I've said it before & I will say it again, I've never, in my adult life, been alone. Ever. I have always had a hard time being by myself. Why do you think this blog was started in the first place? Even if I was talking to no one, I was still talking. I hate being completely alone. HATE IT. Yet, that is what I am about to be. Alone in a place where I have one friend & two acquaintances. I won't even have the dog. I'll be completely & utterly alone. I'm crying just thinking about it.

I really, really want this to be one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I never once thought that at almost 40 I wouldn't be in the relationship that started when I was 22. I never thought I would be alone. I never thought I would move someplace where I know no one. I never thought I would be starting over. I want this to be exciting & full of promise. Right now it is just like walking into the big scary woods alone at night during a full moon with wolves howling all around you.


Posted at 04:33 pm by Zombie
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File under: Escape, Etc., Vegas...errr... hell

Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Five months, twenty four days

The last week or so was simultaneously awesome and so fucking sucktastic it hurt. Like physically hurt.

Jeb did indeed come in for my graduation party. He even brought gifts that were totally thought out and completely me. He really is the best friend a person could have. As much as he wants people to think he is this giant asshole, he is far from it. Therein lies the problem for me. I know what I would eventually like to happen, but do not know that it ever will.

Other than the couple of days he was here everything else has sucked giant moldy donkey balls. The Ex feels the need to rub his 22 year old married girlfriend in my face. I could care less. Well, I didn't give a fuck until he gave her access to MY computer. That's right, he let the cunt remote access my computer over an unsecured connection. He's an idiot of epic proportions. When I lost my shit over the ordeal I was the crazy irrational one. He just doesn't grasp the enormity of their actions. What's even better? He is friends with her husband & the husband pays for everything for him when they go out. So not only is he sleeping in this guy's bed, with is wife, but the guy is basically supporting him too. Isn't he a fucking winner?

Another thing I enjoy about the situation is the chick. Asshole used to harangue me about my weight. This girl looks like she showers every third day & lives on snack cakes. Really?! I guess the fact that he is nailing a 22 year old is all that matters. Regardless she has been banned from the premises. He has been informed that should she cross the threshold I will be forced to press charges for the computer incident. That would mean against the both of them since he loaded the software that allowed her to access it. A felony & a misdemeanor respectively. And he thinks I am the stupid one.

I have been so wound up from the constant harassment that I lost ten pounds between Tuesday & Saturday. Now I am only five pounds from goal, but that's not the way I wanted to get there.

So now I am counting the days until the lease is up & I can leave this situation & state. In case you were wondering the count is now 177 days or five months and 24 days. I sincerely hope that I can make it that long. If not and I do snap, someone please come visit me in jail & bring cookies.

I kind of feel like I should be writing a prison journal as that's what living here feels like at the moment. Sad, but true.


Posted at 02:05 am by Zombie
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File under: Brain numbing, Escape, Shrinking, Vegas...errr... hell

Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Still awake...

Seems like I live tired lately. I haven't been able to sleep for shit. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I just need to get laid.

My should has been bothering me since 1992. Literally. I've seen a doctor for it on several occasions. The verdict has always been pissed off muscles. Until I went about a month or so ago. According to the doctor my shoulder is actually not formed correctly. Me? Not right? Go figure. Turns out that when I rotate my arm certain ways my shoulder partially dislocates. So, all those times I want to rip it off & beat myself with it probably wouldn't be too difficult of a feat. Maybe I'll just beat someone else with it. MRI that I can't afford is this week. Then they'll decide if I need surgery or not. Yay!

Last week I managed to pick up airfare to my favorite place for the princely sum of $14. That's right. Round trip for fourteen green folding American dollars. I am effectively being forced to take a long weekend to the beach next month. Like you have to do all that much forcing for me to go to the beach & hang out with Jeb.

Speaking of Jeb... he's coming to visit next weekend! Well, he's really coming in for my graduation party, but that counts, right? I've never gotten to hang with Jeb on my turf before. I'm kind of excited. Not only that, but I thought he was just coming in on Saturday & leaving on Sunday. No. He's coming in on Friday. For those that are keeping track this means that I will see him three months in a row!

Lately I think a lot. I'm terrified that Jeb will find this place. He's as resourceful as me. It wouldn't be difficult. Not that there is anything here that I wouldn't be willing to tell him at some point, but I don't know that I want him reading it in the privacy of his own home while naked & watching television. Then I tell myself I can't worry about that. It is what it is and everything happens for a reason. Right? RIGHT?!?

There is another story I wish to tell about a psycho and a small power tool, but that will have to wait until another time. Besides, that story doesn't have a final ending just yet.


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esbn ESBN 74570-060217-991707-78